Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I have some good news for my male (and a few of my female) readers. I'm single again! Because I'm sure the dipshit reads my blog on occasion, I'm going to outline here just why things didn't work out.

Mistake #1
You wanted all sorts of commitment. I can't commit to a brand of toothpaste. I'm sure your mother is a real nice lady, however I don't want to meet her.

Mistake #2
The stuffed animals. One is cute. My bed now looks like I live with a 5 year old child. Why not give me something useful? I need a new coffee pot and I found a real nice blender I like.

Mistake #3
Calling my cell phone, and then my house when I don't pick up my cell phone. If I don't pick up one, chances are I won't pick up the other. Especially if I feel like you are stalking me.

Mistake #4
Trying to talk out our relationship at work. Not the time, or the place. I'm busy trying to care for abused/abandoned/neglected/otherwise disadvantaged children, and you are asking me about "us".

Mistake #5
This one was the kicker. You hurt me. You left a bruise. A BRUISE motherfucker. If you want my attention, that is fine, but grabbing my arm hard enough to leave a hand print is not acceptable. I was trying to walk away to go work, that's all. Had I popped you in the mouth, it would be different. Considering I was merely walking away, leaving a bruise is not alright.

Why would you post all that on your blog, a person might ask? Simple. I want to explain where my bruises came from, why his eye is swollen shut, and why I don't ever have to worry about you even so much as looking at me crooked again.

Moving on, I found the funniest new site. Modified Living. Fraternity, Sorority and random other humor, coupled with Amish Porn? You can't beat that with a stick. Enjoy. I plan on adding it to my links as soon as I stop being a lazy bitch. (In other words, it might be awhile).

Monday, June 28, 2004

I just found a quiz off of Quizilla, "Are you a good boyfriend". It's a step by step guide to how to get rid of those pesky things like self respect, pride and equality. Here, I present the quiz, with the correct answers as I see them.

1)Ok..Your girl wants to go to a fancy dinner, but your really short on cash, what do you do?
a)Call all your friends and beg them for money, hey they should give in, right?
b)Tell your girl you could do that next week and instead cook dinner at home and watch a movie with her
c)Tell her you don't have the cash and take her to Mickey D's instead
d)Tell her you wouldn't take her to a fancy dinner weather you had money or not
Correct Answer: Tell her to enjoy herself, and to call you when she gets back, and ask her where she got the money to take herself out like that, because you know its goddamn expensive and that's why you're broke.

2)Your girl invites you too her parents house (classic right) and you had plans with your friends the same night, what would you do?
a)Tell her that your brother was stopping by later, and hope that she believes it
b)Tell your friends about your girl and her parents. If they were your REAL friends they would understand
c)Go out with your friends, but stop by at her parents house after the party got started
d)Tell her that you don't like her parents at all and go out with your friends anyways.
Correct Answer: Stop by her parents house. Her mom might be a MILF, and missing out on that is simply unacceptable. If mom is ugly, fake the stomach flu and go master your kegstand with the boys.

3)It is your girl's birthday, and she wants something nice, this is your first time shopping for her, and she didn't tell you what she wants..What do you get her?
a)A teddy bear, she couldn't refuse!!
b)Run out and just get her a card, then you could maybe put a twent in the card or something
c)Don't get her anything, and explain to her that you didn't know
d)Look though her room and find her ring size, then go out and buy her the best gold ring you can buy (and afford)
Correct Answer: Buy her a keg of beer, a few video games and some movies involving a lot of explosions with very little plot. Most likely (unless she's me), she'll hate it and give you a fucking idea next time, and you will be ahead a few video games, some beer and a movie or two.

4)Your girl really wants to see a movie, but when you get there you can't decide which one you want (she is a comedy and lets say your an action, and no movie there is a combo of the two)?
a)Just go with her choice...Sit back, buy a big bucket of popcorn, and try to act like your enjoying it
b)Put up a fight!! You have a right to see YOUR movie!
c)Just let her go to her movie, alone. You'll walk around or take a drive somewhere
d)Flip a coin, hey that SHOULD be fair, right?
Correct Answer: If this is the same bitch we were talking about before, tell the bitch she has no choice. Apparently, you're paying for everything anyway, the last thing you should have to suffer through is another estrogen fest. Tell the bitch that you are seeing aliens of Doom XXVII, and that's that. Now go get me some popcorn.

5)Its your class reunion, and on the invite it says you could bring family/friends. You think about taking your girl, but then you remember the hottie you met way back when. What do you do?
a)Don't take anyone, if your lucky, that ol' hottie will like you back,
b)Take your girl but have her sit in the back while you try to socialize.
c)Take your girl, but then have her leave early so you still have time to find the old girl of your dreams
d)Take her and totally ingore that old flame!!
Correct Answer: Take her. While there, get her sloshed and introduce her to the hottie. With everything you've bought this chick, the least she owes you is some girl on girl action with a cutie. Bring a camera.

5)Your girl just got a brand new job, one that she's real proud of..what do you do to celebrate?
a)Not do anything, like they say, don't have too much of a good thing
b)Throw a small party with just you and her.
c)Get a HUGE surprise party for her when she comes home, she totally deserves it!!
d)Have her take YOU out, hey, she's the one with the new job!!
Correct Answer: Quit your job and let her support you for awhile. After all the shit you've bought her during this quiz, you deserve a break.

Apparently, I wouldn't make a good boyfriend. But I have been told due to my answers, I might be the perfect girlfriend.

The world is full of super duper smart people. But none are as smart as the guys from Drinks Union. They have created, and I swear to my mom that I'm not making this up, a marijuana flavored liquor. Sign me up. Seriously. Way for those guys to figure out the secrets to high school sex. Cheap liquor and stuff that smells and tastes like marijuana (although sometimes questionable). Makes me think of high school.
Send me a bottle. I hope it'll remind me of the long nights of drunk, stoned sex.

Speaking of sex...Edy's Dreamery Ice Cream is better than sex. Their Tiramisu, Deep Dish Apple Pie and Black Raspberry Avalanche flavors have made me forget entirely about sex. Ok. Well they atleast distracted me for awhile. Seriously though, the shit is fucking awesome. It is now my goal to try every flavor. And if somehow, I can manage to combine the eating of this icecream with some good sex, I'd be one happy bitch.

Speaking of sex...(Yes. I know I just used this segway. But it's a good one, don't you think?) I just acquired three CDs, that amazingly, would make excellent CD's to bump uglies to. Aerosmith "Honkin On Bobo", Jet "Get Born", and The Spiderman 2 Soundtrack (No, I'm not kidding) are all excellent for getting naked and gettin laid. Throw in a White Zombie CD and Godsmack's "The Other Side" and Happy Humping, folks.

Throw in icecream, and I might show up.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I'm sure you've all read the tabloids and heard the story by now. Mary Kate Olsen is anorexic.
Shock. Gasp. Why, it can't be! Cause she hasn't LOOKED it, or anything. I've considered the same, seeing as my ass is growing to massive proportions every time I look at a morsel of food.
Before I forget, pick up a copy of Honkin On Bobo, by Aerosmith. It's the good, old school bluesy Aerosmith that people who hopped on the train BEFORE songs like "Crazy" came out, will love.
Sorry such a short, boring post. I have to go do some Pilates before I turn into one big walking mountain of fat.
On that note, I'll leave my female readers with this. The Hottest Male Bachelors. Just don't get any ideas...they all love me.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I've spent a lot of time seeing movies so far this summer.
So far, here's what I have for y'all.

The Tweeker Chicks Movie Reviews

The Chronicles of Riddick
Honestly, I am the wrong person to judge a Vin diesel flick. I could pay $8.50 to sit there and watch him pick his nose, and leave giving it rave reviews simply because I'd give my left arm to sleep with him. That being said, I love this movie. It is the sequel to Pitch Black, which is a definite must watch if you want to see this movie and have the slightest idea what the fuck is going on. My biggest complaint are the battle scenes. Let's face it, Vin Diesel, although my future husband, is not exactly a Shakespearian actor. But when it comes to physical challenges, he has the market. Which is why the lighting and camera angles in the fight scenes baffle me. Vin runs around with Alexa Davalos, kicking the shit out of people, and you are lucky to get a good peek at those sexy arms. That being said, the plot needs some work, but I left the theatre horny as hell from watching Vin Diesel run around killing people. I give it a A-.

Shrek 2

I didn't want to see this movie at first, seeing as I was on the date from hell, but honestly, it made my night. I laughed my ass off. The only down side was the theatre full of children. But if you can handle that or hit a late show, see it. It's hilarious. I give it an A.

The Terminal

Being a huge Tom Hanks fan didn't save me from thinking that this movie sucked. It had a lot of potential, what with Tom Hanks and a bunch of cute foreign people...But fell flat on it's face. There wasn't enough time for the relationship between the two characters to be even remotely believable, the plot was sketchy and after awhile I just wanted to run out of the theatre. The only thing this movie had was product placement. A hell of a lot of product placement. Krispy Kreme, Hugo Boss, Borders, Burger King, Sbarro, Starbucks, Sam Goody and Swatch are just a few of the places forced upon the viewer. It was a 2 hour commercial with a few cute moments. I give it a C-.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
I hate Harry Potter. With a passion. This is not news. But I hate to admit it, the movie was super cute. It was actually entertaining. However, I am now the worst person alive, because the entire movie all I was thinking was "God damn, Harry Potter is gonna be a fucking hottie when he turns 18". When does he turn 18? Anyone? Oh yea, I give it a B.

Mean Girls
Typical teenage girl shit. Same type of deal as Clueless except without the amusing voiceovers. Some of the scenes are funny, but a blind retarded monkey could see where the plot was going. I give it a B, but only because it kept the girls at work quiet for more than an hour.

Saved is by far the funniest movie I've seen in a long damn time. Not only did Macaulay Culkin grow up and actually get kinda cute, the movie was hysterical. Nothing like poking fun at overly religious people to brighten my day. It even answered the age old question of "What's the only reason a Christian girl comes downtown to the Planned Parenthood clinic?". The obvious answer being "Plant a pipe bomb?" Sadly, the movie got a little bit typical-teen-movie-ish at the end, but all in all it is still hilarious. Any movie where Mandy Moore chucks a bible at someone, runs her handicapped van into a large statue of Jesus, and tries to kidnap someone and perform an exorcism in a van gets an A+ from me.

So to make a long post short, go see Vin half nakie, giggle at Saved, brave the crowds for Shrek and make sure your stoned if you see The Terminal, it's a better way to pass the time.

I'm off, happy birthday to Deanne, who's 21 tomorrow! YAY. May there be many beer bongs and naked men in your future (especially if I'm gonna be there).

Friday, June 18, 2004

Short update. I'm exhausted from working Sturgis on the River for 10 hours today. I have about 16 more hours to go, but that's fine. Bring on the biker guys.

Anyway. Don't say I never do anything for you folks. I slaved away at my keyboard today, searching high and low across the internet for the Gena Lee Nolin sex tape. And alas, I have found it. Where I normally find things that I need, want, or make me horny. You guessed it. GorillaMask.Net.
What a shocker. I owe this guy, simply for being that much cooler than me. When you're done hitting the GorillaMask site, the link to the tape is on your right.
Happy Whacking!!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

So, in a never ending quest to help my female readers better understand the male species, I bring you this. I'd like to thank my dear friend Glenn for proving to me yet again that men are the most confusing creatures alive. They have a SYSTEM set up for this, ladies.
It's information everyone needs to know.
Enjoy. I'm off to work another 64 hour week, I'll update if I ever have any time.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Sorry. I know it's been a few weeks, my bad. I've been at work, slaving away at beaches, amusement parks, museums, movies and the like. When I grow up, I might have to get a real job.
Since I'm too lazy to give you a real post, I'll give you an Old School Timekiller-esque post.

Number of themeparks I've visited in the last week of work: 4

Best CD to lay by the beach and listen to: Commitment, by Lucky Boys Confusion. Songs about Jane by Maroon 5 is a close second.

Number of rumors that I'm getting promoted: 7

Number of times I've ruined that by calling my supervisor a sweat-pant wearing nappy haired bitch: 1

Song stuck in my head: Dammit by Blink 182

Bottles of Vodka consumed with ex boyfriends since summer vacation began: 2 1/2.

Number of family members I've "killed off" so I can get a day off work: 1 (But it's technically not lying, she did die. It just happened that it was about 6 years ago).

Number of cruises my sister got to take with her boyfriend: 2.

Number of cruises I've gotten to take, period: 0. (someone needs to fix this.)

Number of waterpark slides I've gone down: Roughly 2 million.

Number of waterpark slides I've gone down with a wedgie, thus baring my big white ass to the entire park: About 700.

Number of kids I had to save from drowning: 3.

Number of kids I wanted to save from drowning: 2.

Number of days spent so sunburnt I couldn't wear a bra: 15.

God I love summer vacation. If only I could add a tally of "number of drunken nights with Chris".
Hint hint.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I am so sick and tired of hearing about Howard Stern being fined for indecency. Let me lay this out flat. I don't like him. At all. I don't find his show in the least entertaining, and I'm pretty sure I think he's an asshole. But for the love of Bob, can we leave the man alone? He's being fined over a million dollars because our lovely government has deemed a show that mentioned anal sex indecent. I want to know two things. 1) Who deemed anal sex indecent? I mean, it's not on my top ten list of things to do (at least while sober), but I don't think its indecent. Unless your doing it with the family ferret or something. 2) Where the fuck is Oprah's fine? She aired a show at 4 AM graphically describing anal sex, oral sex, and all sorts of other things I didn't know existed until I discovered internet porn. Not one second of that show was censored out, but when clips were played on the Howard Stern show, there were more bleeps than on the last episode of the Osbournes.

Check out these clips from the Oprah show, which airs at 4 PM with all sorts of after school programming.
Clip One

Oprah: Lets talk about that secret language Michelle.
Michelle: Yes
Oprah: I didn't know any of this
Michelle: I have yea, I have gotten a whole new vocabulary let me tell ya
Oprah: I did not know any of this
Michelle: Salad tossing, cucumbers, lettuce tomatoes ok
Oprah: ok so so what is a salad toss?
Michelle: ok a tossed salad is, get ready hold on to your underwear for this one, oral anal sex, so oral sex with the anus is what that would be.

Clip Two
Michelle: A rainbow party is an oral sex party. It's a gathering where oral sex is performed and rainbow comes from all of the girls put on lipstick and each one puts her mouth around the penis of the gentleman or gentlemen who are there to receive favors and makes a mark um in a different place on the penis hence the term rainbow.

Now look at this clip from the Howard Stern show, which airs late at night.

HS: Howard Stern
RQ: Robin Quivers
MV: Male Cast Member

HS: Yeah, but nobody knows what it is. A blumpkin I can explain it cleanly.
RQ: There's nothing clean about a blumpkin.
HS: Well, a blumpkin is receiving oral sex while you're sitting on a toilet bowl if you are a man. You're sitting on a toilet bowl and uh, while you're evacuating you receive your oral.
RQ: Ick.
HS: And uh, then, what did I say yesterday too you didn't understand? Balloon knot?
RQ: Yes, I don't know what that is. Somebody said to me "is that the funniest thing ever?" and I was like "what is that?"
HS: A balloon knot
RQ: I didn't want to show my ignorance, I laughed too.
HS: A balloon knot I'm gonna post these on a web site
RQ: Yeah, we need a dictionary for this show.
HS: A balloon knot is when you bend over and I can see up right up your old
RQ: Up the wazoo?
HS: Up the wazoo and uh, you know that's a balloon knot that you see. That's called a "balloon knot."
RQ: Really, I did not know that.
HS: Think about it, it looks like a balloon knot.
RQ: I don't know. Oh you know what
HS: Tie up a balloon.
RQ: I'm just thinking of a balloon knot
MV: It all makes sense, Robin, come on.
HS: And uh, what else did I say? "Nasty Sanchez," you didn't know what that was.
RQ: Oh, I don't even want to know half the time what these things are
HS: That I'd have to post on the internet.
RQ: 'Cause there've been a number of terms used lately. Would you do 'cause KC's always blurtin' them out.
HS: "Strawberry shortcake"
RQ: "Strawberry shortcake" I've never heard of. "Dirty Sanchez"
HS: "Nasty Sanchez."
RQ: What is the others KC?
MV: I heard a new one the other day. It was the "David Copperfield."
HS: That's right.
MV: Okay, do you want to explain it, since I... When you're goin' like a dog
HS: Right.
MV: and you're about to finish and instead you don't finish, you spit on her and then you turn around and when she turns her face around then you go So it's kind of like an illusion
HS: Right.
MV: to David Copperfield.
RQ: Sleight of hand.
HS: Misdirection.
MV: Classic misdirection.
HS: You trick her. There's a million of them, but uh, I'll post them on the web.
RQ: Yes, because people need to know. These aren't in the regular dictionary.

Now what the fuck? And Howard gets blamed while Oprah sits around on her empire? Yea. That's what I thought.
I say fire them all and let me take over. I can show those mother fuckers what obscene really is.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I was just offered the opportunity to go travel around the world with an insanely rich, good looking man. He offered to pay my bills for me while I was gone, provided that I could behave myself well around his clients (which, provided my background, I am more equipped to do than you'd imagine). There would be Lexus's, expensive wine, and private jets. I had my bag half packed until he said the phrase "I can afford whatever makes you happy".

Then I started thinking.

I'd give my left boob for money, the ability to drive a fancy car and eat food made by someone with a French name I can't pronounce. I'd love to be able to fly on a private jet and rake in 6 figures a year. But buying anything that makes me happy?

I'm not sure about that. Can you really buy drinking beer after beer at a Lucky Boys Confusion concert with 2 of your best friends? What about drinking hot chocolate with those little marshmallows on an overcast day, day dreaming out the window from your loft? Or driving around in the summer with the windows down and the music up?

I'm not sure I could be that girl. The girl who spends hours at the gym making sure the crepes suzette I ate the night before aren't sticking to my thighs. Worrying about what someone's clients will think if I'm not perfectly primped, prodded, made up and propped up in the latest designer clothes. I'm not sure I can handle getting my nails done all the time, and I'm not sure I like the idea of having to dress to impress all the time.

This is not to say I'm a slob, this is just to say that I want to be with someone like Shawn, Chris, or the rest of the guys. That's what makes me happy. I'm not sure you can buy the comfort that stems from being with someone who doesn't give a crap if you gained 10 pounds, wear sweatpants around the house, and don't always wear makeup. What makes me happy is having someone to watch The Simpsons, drink cheap beer and eat pizza with. Don't get me wrong, I still want the Lexus's, fancy hotels, and shitloads of money...but I always figured that would come when the rest gets figured out.

Until then, I'll be chillin on my futon in sweats, drinkin beer, and eating pizza.