Monday, August 27, 2012

In Which I Go Out With Someone Who Has Trouble With The Word "No" And Breathing Out Of His Nose

So it's been awhile since I posted, and for once for a good reason.

I have a tendency to date men who are much bigger than me. A guy I spend a great deal of time with is 6'5'' and 250. My best friend is 6'4''. Even the guys I wind up seeing that are on the shorter side are still bigger than me, usually by at least 3 inches and 40 pounds.

It never really bugged me that much. I'm 5'6''. I may have a big ass, but you get used to the majority of men being bigger than you. So when I went out for sushi with a guy who was about 6'2'' and built like a pro athlete, I didn't think much of it.

Sushi went pretty well, right up until I realized that he was painfully stupid. Not the "Aw, it's kind of cute that you occasionally say dumb shit" kind of stupid, more the "How the hell has natural selection not picked you off" kind of stupid.

About halfway through dinner, my phone rang. Usually I'd never answer a call while out with someone because that is so painfully rude. However, this call came from someone who never calls, so naturally I assumed someone had died.

A friend of mine was in the hospital, and it was a friend of his asking me to drop him off a thing or two. Which I agreed to because 1. What kind of person doesn't agree to that?  2. It was on the way.  3. What else was I going to do? The only way I could communicate with the guy I was currently with involved small words and pictures.

I hung up the phone and apologized, because I really loathe people who answer their phones halfway through a conversation.

Now, before I continue let me make two things very clear: 1. I was not cutting dinner short.  2. I was simply apologizing for being rude. 3. My friend was going to be fine.

All I said was "I'm sorry about that, turns out a friend of mine is in the hospital and needs me to drop him off some things later tonight".

At which point the guy I was with slammed his glass down and snapped "Well if you love this guy so much why don't you just marry him?!". I gently reminded him that my friend was sick, and although he was going to be fine, I still needed to see him to feel better. Plus, if I was in the hospital I'd want someone to bring me a thing or two and come see me.

"You said he was going to be fine. I think you're just being stupid."

Not what I was expecting, but after a little back pedaling and deciding that this is the last time I'm seeing this person ever, he seemed to calm down. He paid for dinner and as we were walking out of the restaurant, he started pawing at me.

"Please don't."

How that phrase could possibly be misinterpreted, I'm not sure, the only thing I can figure is that he was, in fact, that stupid. He continued grabbing at me as I got to the car.

"Come on, I got dinner, the least you can do..." and then he tried to kiss me. At least I think that's what it was, all I know is that his face collided with mine so hard that it split my lip open. This? This pissed me off.

So I'm 5'6'', backed against a car by a guy 7 inches taller than me, built like a pro athlete, and he keeps touching me after I told him not to. This pissed me off more.

Apparently, he has problems with the word "no".

So I did what any lady would do.

I punched him square in the throat.

And while he was crouched over, I stepped to the side, causing him to fall face first into the window of my car. So now he has a problem with the word "no" and breathing out of his nose. In a moment of sheer awesome, I pulled forty bucks out of my back pocket, tossed it at him and said "Now I don't owe you dick. And if I were you I'd get out of the way before I start to drive away."

All things considered, it could've been much worse.

As it stands, I hate dating, I hate being touched after I specifically told someone not to, I hate being yelled at, I hate having my lip split open and I hate the realization that there's not a whole lot of people here who would've noticed if something did happen to me.

Oh, I also hate having blood smeared on the driver's side window of my rental car.

But that's where I've been. It took a little while for me to get my head on straight again, I spent a few days showering eight or nine times a day but I think I'm about straightened out now.