Monday, January 26, 2009

So, I was talking to Puzzy this morning and he managed to point something very important out to me. This whole Governor of Illinois impeachment trial starts today, and I think I owe it to my readers to share in the knowledge I have received.

Thankyou Puzzy, for making so clear what I couldn't put my finger on before.

Just sayin.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

It's a pretty well known fact at this point that I am at my best when I'm single.

However, my friends aren't necessarily the same. Bless them, I adore them, but it really does take a special kind of person to not only work best single, but prefer it. They always tend to be on the lookout for the next new and exciting dating fad. Speed dating, blind dates, and now, Internet dating.

It was inevitable, and they are having some pretty decent success. Thus it was a matter of time before one brought it up to me as a good idea. And being a good friend, I have managed to not laugh in their faces. Internet dating is not exactly the best idea for someone like me, it's only a matter of time until someone connects it with this blog and then the 50 things and you find my parts dismembered in a trash bag behind Dominicks.

This is the part where I learned a very important life lesson. It doesn't matter how much logic you use, if you're up against four twenty-something women who think they are right, you are going to lose. And I did. To stop the lecturing about how I'm not getting any younger, I caved and agreed to start working on a profile.

I made it 30 seconds and quit. They give you this whole space to describe who you are and what you want, and I realized that if I was to actually tell the truth, I really will be single for the rest of my life.

Describe yourself:
5'7'' brunette with a bad attitude who likes to work out consistently for a week, quit for two, and start again for another week. Likes nature provided it doesn't require actually spending any time outdoors. Likes going out, unless its a week day, I'm tired, or there's a Burn Notice marathon on. Generally too busy to see you during the week, and too exhausted to on the weekend.

Love going to clubs, but refuses to drive in the city and will most likely wind up impossibly drunk making out with the homosexual bartender who looks like Carson from Queer Eye. Prefers an intelligent guy, hopefully one that is smart enough for a lively debate as long as in the end he agrees that I am always right. I also enjoy cheap beer and expensive shoes. Still best friends with most of my exes, most of whom are incredibly attractive.

I am also best friends with the guy I lost my virginity to, and I refuse to stop kissing him on the lips as a greeting despite the fact that we in no way want anything to do with each other sexually. I also perpetually chew gum, have bad asthma and have been known to destroy entire cities when denied the exorbitant amounts of diet coke it requires to keep me marginally friendly. I'm cold all the time, even in the summer, and no I will not turn down the heat/the air conditioner on.

I also yell at my TV, talk through movies, and make fun of people like it's my goddamn job.

Describe what you're looking for in a partner:
Michael Westin

See where there's a problem?

Saturday, January 03, 2009

I had a moment last night.

I was told at 11:00 AM on Friday that I had to work the entire weekend and I had to cancel my trip to Iowa to see my best friend.

Needless to say, this did not thrill me.

So I called my best friend to apologize. The conversation that followed was so hilarious that I actually wrote it down verbatim.

Clare: Hey Shawnie.
Shawn: Hey.
Clare: I am SO sorry but my boss is a giant fucking DILDO and I have to fucking work all fucking week...
Shawn: Clare.
Clare: I'm so sorr...
Shawn: CLARE. I'm in the middle of a toy store, and you're on speaker.