Tuesday, January 17, 2012

25 Things Women Should Know About Men...An Article Originally Designed for Someone Else.

So, I was asked to write an article for a site last week.

I did, and the author of said site decided to, in an ultimate dick move, post it, and tear it apart in examples of how I'm not getting laid. Or something like that, I kind of stopped reading. What can I say, random capitalization and bolding make Baby Jesus cry.

Since I was smart enough to retain the rights to my work (yay me!), I'm just going to go ahead and post it here for y'all.


Here’s 25 things women really ought to know about men.

1. Guys will never understand why we wear 5 inch heels that pinch our toes, make us crabby and give us blisters that are so violent we have to wear flipflops for a week.
The vast majority of men have five pairs of shoes or less. Gym shoes, dress shoes, sneakers, sandals and a pair of boots. Now there are some variations on the above list, but they tend to keep it pretty simple. They will never understand why we need four pairs of black patent leather hidden platform pumps. Yes, I am aware that there is a huge difference between the black leather hidden platforms with the 3 ½ inch heel and the pair with the 4 inch heel and peep toe. They never will. Men think it’s stupid that we would pay hundreds of dollars on shoes we can barely walk in. Men think it’s stupid that we talk about shoes. Men think it’s stupid that I’m even explaining this right now. If I had to put money on it, 95% of the men who have read this far have stopped paying attention to this paragraph and are now daydreaming about sandwiches.

2. Your boyfriend hates your friends.
Well, that’s a little unfair. He doesn’t hate all of your friends, just an overwhelming majority of them. It’s not because your friends are bad people. It’s because you fight with your friends all the time, and then you bitch to him about it. You have a friend or two that you don’t get into petty arguments with and remembers to bring a case of beer when she stops by to chill. He likes that friend. He does not like the friend that constantly picks fights with you and blames her consistent bitchiness on her period. He doesn’t like your friend that has decided anything with a penis is bad. He doesn’t like your friend that blows every tiny thing he’s ever done out of proportion and glares at him every time he enters a room like he’s got a hooker on each arm and an ounce of blow in his pocket. He would never tell you outright that if he didn’t know otherwise, he’d think your choice in friends made you just shy of mentally handicapped because he’d like to see your boobs again sometime before the day he dies.

3. Your boyfriend does not understand your relationship with your mother.
Women have a complex at best relationship with their mothers. Few of us are lucky enough to not have constant mom drama. I consider myself lucky that my mom and I have never had an argument once in my adult life. Every other female I know goes back and forth with her mother. Horrible words are exchanged, phones are slammed down, and there are hours of crying. He’s smart enough to not outright say that your mother is acting like a bitch, but secretly he can’t understand why you can’t see that. The reason guys are so quiet when you fight with your mom? They know they can’t win and they are secretly trying to gauge whether or not they are staring at you in twenty years.

4. It’s acceptable to have different interests than he does. He won’t love you any less.
Part of what makes people awesome are their differences. Unless you are in 7th grade, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker that he has interests that don’t involve you. If you want to be a part of them, go ahead and ask. Most guys are more than happy to include their chick in something they are passionate about. Consequently, if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. One of the guys I love most in the world (although I would never admit it and he can shut up if he’s reading this) has taken to skydiving. Absolutely loves it. I have tried on numerous occasions to try to figure out why in pluperfect hell someone would jump out of a perfectly good airplane just to do it, and it completely escapes me. But he loves it, and goes frequently. He’s asked me to go, and I’ve said no. Mostly because I’m pretty sure it would embarrass him in front of his friends when I proceeded to cling inside of the plane like a spider monkey while bargaining with God. And guess what? He still talks to me.

5. It’s not acceptable to dismiss his interests just because you think they’re childish, stupid or a waste of time.
Do I give my friend a significant amount of shit for jumping out of perfectly good airplanes? Of course I do. Do I dismiss it as stupid and meaningless? No. For a few reasons. First and foremost, I’m not a cunt. Here’s the thing. Guys are going to like things we don’t. It might be video games, heavy metal, skydiving, football, shooting, fishing or internet porn. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t tell you that Grey’s Anatomy is a vapid waste of time (it is, by the way), so learn to keep it shut. And if you want to really impress him? Next time he’s playing that “stupid X-box” ask him if you can play with him. If it’s a single player game you’re shit out of luck, but a lot of games have a co-op setting. The worst that could happen is you now have a valid reason to dislike it. Who knows though, you could find out you really do enjoy stabbing zombies in the face. You don’t know unless you try. And even if you hate it? Shut up about it. No one wants to hear that their interests are stupid.

6. Guys are dicks to their friends.
Some things in life just defy explanation. This is one of them. Guys are assholes to their guy friends. They do this for sport. Don’t believe me? Go ask him, right now. I’ll wait. There’s not a guy on the planet that doesn’t have at least one story about something his best friend did to him that was horrible and hilarious. My friend Ben once called me to tell me that his best friend Ray had just punched him in the face out of the blue. When Ben demanded to know why, all Ray said was “You know why”. Ben didn’t know why. 3 weeks later, Ray finally admitted the reason he punched him was because, and this is a direct quote “I felt like it”. Shitty? Yes. Hilarious? Absolutely.

7. Guys think that you look cute in sweatpants…sometimes.
And for those of you who think you’re clever, I’m going to go ahead and categorize yoga pants as sweat pants. The reason guys think girls in sweat pants and a tank top is hot is because that’s not how they usually see us. There’s something adorable about a girl in comfy clothes when you’re used to seeing her dressed up that says “ I’m comfy and cozy and would be comfier and cozier in bed with you”. However, there is a limit. Ask yourself this: When is the last time you wore real pants at home? When is the last time you had a bra on? If you can’t remember, you’re abusing the privilege. I’m all for being comfy, but never wearing anything other than your jammies is going to leave your poor confused boyfriend wondering exactly what happened to his hot girlfriend.

8. Stop asking guys what they’re thinking about if you’re not going to accept the answer.
Ever asked a guy what he’s thinking about and gotten the answer “Nothing”? Sure you have. Because chances are you then blew it out of proportion and convinced yourself that he was mad at you. Perhaps there’s another girl. It’s probably that slut that runs the self-checkout lane at the store. Why doesn’t he love me? How dare he throw away everything we have? Meanwhile, and I promise you this is true, your boyfriend is sitting on the other side of the couch thinking things like “I’m hungry” or “I think the transmission is making a funny noise” or “Man, I really like pie”.

9. Our diets exhaust them.
When men diet? They all do it the same way. It’s always some variation of “Man, I’m getting fat. Time to cut back on the crap and work out”. They don’t make a big scene out of it, they just do it. Women on the other hand? It’s a production. The first thing we do is cry to our girlfriends before spending the rest of the night on the internet looking up ridiculous and dangerous diets to starve ourselves thin. We then purge everything that even resembles food from our kitchens while waiting for the tapeworm we ordered from Bosnia to arrive. Then we cry some more, drink lemonade that’s been infused with pepper, syrup and something else that makes it taste like rancid ass and call it dinner. Every time he dares to put anything with flavor or saturated fat near his mouth, he can feel your white hot glare from across the house. They watch us do this for about 3 days before we collapse face first into a pizza because we haven’t actually eaten anything in 72 hours. Then they have to deal with the inevitable “I’ll never be thin!” crying. They’d rather punch themselves in the testicles.

10. They will tolerate the stupid crap we do to promote health to a point.
Men have an amazing ability to tolerate crap if they think it will end with you touching their penis, and most will sit quietly while you go to yoga, choke down 17 different vitamins and herbs and water board yourself with a netipot. You might even get an adventurous man to try tantric sex, if only because there’s sex involved, even if he doesn’t get to blow his wad. But there is a line. They will not take a “Guided Vortex Hike”, they will not sit in an “Oxygen Steam Cabin” and they will not agree to “Colon Hydrotherapy”. Especially that last one. There is no man on the planet that is going to pay someone $120 to shoot a stream of water up his butt.

11. They don’t know why you’re mad and no they don’t know what they did.
Now before you rip me one, stick with me. Every single time I have ever been legitimately mad at a man in my life, he has known exactly what he did. There was no confusion. I didn’t wake up one day and decide that today was the day I couldn’t deal with him leaving his boxers in the middle of the floor any more. Every single time they knew why because it was a legitimate reason to be angry. So if your boyfriend is asking why you’re mad at him, there is a very good chance he is asking because he doesn’t have the slightest clue why you are so pissed off at him. Men are amazing at a lot of things, but they are not mind readers. If you’re pissed because he passed out drunk on the floor of his friend’s house when he said he’d watch The Notebook with you, tell him. If you keep getting mad at him for no good reason, don’t act surprised when he doesn’t give a shit when you have a legitimate complaint. You’re like the little girl who cried whiny bitch, and no one wants to pay attention to you.

12. If he actually wants to talk about what’s going on, don’t give him the silent treatment to be a bitch.
There is a difference between not talking because you’re not ready to talk, and not talking because you’re acting like a seven year old. Personally, I am one of those people that says god awful horrible things when I’m hurt. If I feel like I’m backed into a corner, I will come out swinging every time. Consequently, I’ve taught myself to be very quiet until I am sure that I will say exactly what I want to say, and not the streams of profane, soul crushing insults that are running through my head. This bothers one of my friends who claims that when I do this, I radiate anger. Which is kind of a neat super power, but I digress. What it comes down to is that I’m doing it for a reason. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “I am not ready to talk to you about this right now” if you know that you aren’t capable of contributing anything constructive to the conversation. It’s ok to take time to get your emotions under control. It’s not acceptable to be very obvious about giving your boyfriend the silent treatment while he begs, pleads and whines for you to speak to him just because you like the attention. If you’re that type of girl, I think we’d much prefer you to keep your cock garage shut anyway.

13. Your constant need for validation makes them want to kill themselves and everyone around them.
Most men assume that if they tell you they love you, that’s the status quo unless something significant happens to change that. They will tell you once or twice a day, and assume that everything is fine. Most men won’t get jealous every time you talk to a person with a penis. They won’t uproot their entire lives to show you in grandiose ways just how much they love you. Because in their head? This is taken care of. Men have a certain amount of willpower that keeps them from slipping into a murderous rage because of our crap. The more you call them crying about how you don’t feel that they love you enough, or they don’t show it enough, the more you chip away at that willpower bit by tiny bit, leaving them one step closer to murdering you in your sleep. This is not a romance novel, and if he spends every waking moment of his life proving to you just how much he loves you I would recommend a restraining order.

14. It’s OK for men to cry, but they still don’t want you to make a big deal of it.
Believe it or not, men cry. And every girl on earth swears they want a sensitive man…right up until the waterworks start. Then we have an obnoxious tendency to run for the hills. Truth be told, men cry. They’re human. But they cry for entirely different reasons than women. We cry all the time for everything. It’s Tuesday, time to cry. Someone was mean to us, time to cry. Generally speaking when men cry they want to be left the hell alone about it (unless it’s because of the death of a close family member). The following situations are ones in which a man will cry, and you should pretend that you didn’t notice: the death of Aeris, when watching Old Yeller, any situation in which he has been kicked, punched or head-butted in the nuts (don’t laugh, I know someone who was once head-butted in the nuts. In case you’re wondering, it’s still funny.), if their team wins, if their team loses, when Wash dies (if anyone even mentions being a leaf on the wind, I tear up), the ending of any amazing videogame, if something happens to a beautiful piece of machinery or if they happen to see a beautiful piece of machinery for the first time.

15. Men will do almost anything to see your boobs.
I know that they are just two lumps of fat stuck in the middle of our chests, but to men they are an amazing mystery that holds the answer to every question in the universe. Even guys who aren’t boob guys would still do almost anything if they thought it would get them a glimpse at a nice set of hooters. I am a pretty busty chick, and I distinctly remember sitting with a friend of mine who is completely and totally an ass man. He looked up from the TV, turns to me and said “I’m sorry, but can I touch your tits?” After I got over the fits of hysterical laughter, I had to ask “Why? You’re an ass guy.” His response? “Well yea, but look at those.” (For the record, I let him. Points for brutal honesty.) Thus cementing what I suspected all along: all men love boobs. Is your guy going to your little cousin’s piano recital? It’s because he wants to see your boobs. Is your guy suffering through dinner as the only male among your male bashing girlfriends? It’s because he wants to see your boobs. Is he holding your purse while you try on the 4th shirt that is identical to every other shirt you’ve tried on the 8 hours you’ve been shopping? It’s because he wants to see your boobs. Guys will do anything to see your boobs. Knowing this gives you power. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Do not abuse this and ruin it for the rest of us.

16. Sometimes men just want to be men.
I have lived alone for a few years now, and because of that I’ve grown accustomed to doing things for myself. Mostly because if I didn’t, they’d never get done. Most guys find it somewhat endearing that their girlfriends can change a tire, or patch drywall. I will never do any of those things with my boyfriend around. Sometimes you have to let a man be a man. There’s nothing wrong with it and nothing weak about it. I’m not saying you should slide off your chair so overcome with lust that you can hardly contain yourself because he opened a goddamn pickle jar for you. I’m saying let him open a jar you can’t get open, thank him and peck him on the lips. Tell him how hot it is that he changes his own oil. (By the way? It’s super-hot when guys change their own oil.) Let him take care of you on occasion. Even if he doesn’t have 14 inch biceps, most men want to feel powerful. Don’t be a helpless idiot, but let him use those muscles he has. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be checking the angry emails I just got from the feminists in the group who think that having a boyfriend open up a jar sets our society back fifty years.

17. Men don’t get Sex in the City.
The entire show is based on four women who make horrible life choices, when they aren’t acting like shallow, superficial bitches. The characters have few if any redeeming qualities, and if anyone could please explain to me how someone who writes for magazines can live in an apartment that big in Manhattan and still afford $1000 shoes, I’d love to hear it as I am clearly doing something wrong. Furthermore, the show expects us to believe that there are men all over New York who want to bang these four women. There is only one woman out of the four most men would even think of putting their dick in, and that’s only if they could gag her first.

18. Fucking a guy does not make you his girlfriend.
Or his fuck buddy. Or anything else. Even if he’s a friend. If you hop into the sack after hearing “I’m not looking for anything”, that’s what you get. If you can handle being fuck buddies, a one night stand, or an if I’m in town and the guy I’m here to see is being a dick so let’s fuck, more power to you. That does not give you any right to ask about what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with and when. You don’t have the right to get mad if he dates someone else, you don’t get to get jealous when you see him at parties. Consider it a business transaction. If you can’t handle it, that’s fine. It’s surprisingly difficult to separate love and sex. Some of us can do it. A lot of us can’t. But it’s against the rules to say you can and then go all Single White Female on him. There’s almost no chance that he’s going to be so overwhelmed by your sexual prowess that he falls in love with you immediately. It’s not going to happen.

19. Men don’t notice 5 pounds.
Or that little bit of cellulite. Or that tiny stretch mark. Why? Because if they are in a position to see these things, there’s a good chance you’re naked. And although you’re used to picking yourself apart in front of the mirror for not looking airbrushed in real life, he’s just happy that you’re naked. Pointing out your flaws to him is not going to make him see them, it’s going to make you look like an idiot. You’re naked. He’s about to get laid. Unless you kick him in the balls, take his wallet and leave, he’s happy. Shit even if you do kick him in the balls and take his wallet, if he’s into that sort of thing he’s still happy. When he tells you that you’re pretty, take the compliment. Telling him the reasons that he’s wrong makes it sound like he has no idea what he’s talking about, and no one likes being told that their taste in their significant other is wrong. Plus, if you’re not nice to yourself, you can’t expect other people to be. Stop being an ass.

20. Looking at porn doesn’t mean he wants you to look like a porn star.
Every single guy I know looks at porn. It’s one of those universal experiences that all men share. I’m not sure when looking at porn turned into “he wants me to look like that girl!” because, well, it doesn’t. Why? Because if you saw some of the porn he looked at, you’d have nightmares for life. It’s the internet folks. There is some nasty shit on it. And your boyfriend has watched it. Not because it gets his rocks off, but out of the same morbid curiosity that causes people to continue watching Whitney. (If you don’t believe me, I refer you to Two Girls One Cup, and I accept no responsibility for the nightmares and uncontrollable vomiting). For the actual porn he watches to get his rocks off? That doesn’t really reflect on you either. Very few guys I know really want their girlfriends to bleach their hair and let 10 random men glaze her like a donut. However, guys do like fun sex. I’m not saying you should bring the Denver Broncos home (although Tebow is super-hot), but shake things up a little bit. Everyone has a little freak in them, let yours shine. You don’t have to be a porn star, or lick your own back, but have a little fun. And get over it. Does your boyfriend cry every time you watch Ryan Reynolds chopping wood in those thin pajama pants that fall dangerously low on his hips in the rain in Amityville Horror? No? Exactly. And god I love those pants.

21. On some level, men equate love with sex. But not the same way you do.
Yes, it’s a little nonsensical. He’s not going to dump you because you didn’t fuck him once. However, men love sex and they love having it. Hopefully with you. And the less you put out, the more he thinks that you might be losing interest in him. Most guys won’t admit this, but it’s true. Just like you want him to constantly show you how much he loves you and all that romantic bullshit, he wants you to do the same. Nothing says “I love you” like a morning blow job. Or an afternoon blow job. Or a blow job in general.

22. Stop ignoring the geeks and nerds.
Yes, that guy with the porcupine haircut and fake tan has incredible abs. Why yes, his arms are amazing and I too want to bite him. The problem is, that guy? Is a huge dick. And while you’re wasting your time with him, there is a sweet, adorable geek or nerd who would love to spend time with you. And I mean spend time with you, not treat you like an accessory. Yes, some of them are a little squishy. Some are a little awkward around women. But these guys will treat you like a fucking princess, will listen to you when you speak, and are good dependable dudes. Men will never understand why women date guys who are flaming douchebags, and then cry when they act like flaming douchebags. It would be like me purposely slamming my tit in a car door. I know it’s going to hurt, so why the fuck would I do it? Here’s the truth: those sweet geeks that you’re crying to? Those are the guys you should be with. I’ve seen more than one geek go from adorably snuggly to looking like he’s carved out of fucking marble. And with one glaring exception, every one of them still remained a loveable geek. It’s far easier for someone who is already loveable to get washboard abs than it is for a gorgeous dickhead to grow a personality. And also? If you only love that geek after he has the abs? You’re a shallow bitch and deserve to get herpes from someone who looks like he was rejected from a Jersey Shore audition.

23. Men do not want to have sex with all of their ex-girlfriends.
Most men aren’t even friends with most of their ex-girlfriends. Occasionally, a guy will keep one around because it’s obvious they were better off friends than lovers. Do you keep in contact with any of your exes? Any of your guy friends that you may have drunkenly kissed one night? No? If you said no you’re a lying liar who should be ashamed of herself. Here’s the truth: If he wanted to fuck his ex, he would. There is absolutely nothing you would be able to do to stop it, so you might as well quit being an insecure psycho every time he talks to anything with a vagina. Am I saying that you should be OK if he has his ex-girlfriend sleep over while you’re on a business trip? No. But should you freak out if they go out for a drink with some friends? Not unless you’re ready for him to do the same thing every single time you want to talk to any of your guy friends ever. This includes your gay friend who loves your boobs but totally doesn’t want you. That’s what I thought. I know you’ve been told your entire life that the sun rises and sets on your ass, but it doesn’t. You are not the first woman your boyfriend has ever seen, so stop acting like you should be. He didn’t do anything wrong.

24. Men don’t talk about sex as often as you think.
Contrary to what popular media might have us believe, men don’t actually sit around, drink beer, and compare their girlfriend’s dick sucking skills. The women I hang out with talk about sex far more often than men, and they are graphic as hell about it. Any woman can tell you just about anything about her closest friends sex lives. They discuss dick size, positions, orgasms, whatever. Men on the other hand? Tend to keep it vague. I know for a fact that men talk, as I made the mistake of fooling around once with my ex’s friend and he said “wow, he was right you are good at that”. That was not a happy discussion with my ex. The good news is we finally came to an agreement once the last of the stuff I threw on to the lawn and set on fire was extinguished. Generally speaking, if there is a group of men talking about your sexual talents, it’s because you’ve slept with enough of them that they no longer give a shit about whether or not you come off like a total whore. You’re the community bicycle, everyone’s had a ride. At that point it’s no different than talking about that one time they all went to Six Flags and rode the Batman ride.

25. Don’t Tease.
Teasing is only fun if there’s an eventual payoff. Girls who tease just to do it deserve to be cunt punched. There is a difference between a little tease while you’re a party, knowing that you’re going to put out when you get home. Or better, when you get to the car. But getting him hot and bothered and then making him “work for it” is a bullshit move. Flirting is one thing, sitting on his lap with your top off and then deciding that you want to wait until you’re ready (weeks later) is just confusing. If you have no intention of making good on your promise, it’s not cute to tease. Don’t start shit you don’t intend on finishing. There’s nothing wrong with leaving them wanting a little more. There’s everything wrong with leaving him to drive home with a raging boner.
But if all else fails? Refer to #15.

I know it's kind of a throwback to when I would post way more stuff like this. Hopefully it didn't shock you too much. Now back to my regular schedule of forgetting to post....