Thursday, January 27, 2005

Ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is wrong?
I had that today.
I thought, maybe it's just test anxiety.
Maybe, I thought, I'm just stressed out.
Bad coffee?

I was settling into my religion class when I started feeling overwhelmingly anxious. I'm not Dionne Warwick, but something in the universe was just off.
I noticed that my cell phone was blinking.
Every 10 minutes, my cell phone was going off.

Now if that's not a bad sign, I don't know what is.
I got up, in the middle of class (which I never ever do, so Prof. Burke, if you're reading this, I am sorry) and went to see just what the fuck was going on.

Here's where the story gets good.

My sister was driving today and some drunk mother fucker hit her car.
Fucked it up.

First of all, that's the only twin sister I have. So this didn't leave me happy.
Second of all, what kind of fucking backwards hick mother fucker is shitfaced at three in the afternoon?
Third, what kind of tool drives, shitfaced, without a liscense or insurance?

I'll tell you what kind of person.
A worthless peice of horseshit with no regard for anyone but themselves. Let me spell this out for you, asshat.
You could've killed someone.
You're lucky you didn't.
Now you have fun in that cell for awhile and you tell your new boyfriend that I send my regards.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

It was under the advice of an enviornmentalist that the two girls embarked on their journey that night. He was a wise man, knowledgeable in many things, including the conservation of grapes. He sat on the couch, smiling at them, and in his infinite wisdom said "I think you should go".

The enviornmentalist was never wrong, having spent much of his time partaking in spiritual activities such as sampling the juice of fermented grapes, neither girl was in a position to argue with him. The enviornmentalist then turned on his heel and left to go tend to his daily routine.

Sarah and Clare then looked at each other and headed to the car. They had a long journey ahead of them that neither was prepared for. It was cold, the wind was bitter, and it was getting colder as the minutes passed. They sat side by side, quietly contemplating the ramifications of the journey that lay ahead of them.

It would be long. It would be tiring. It would be scary.
And both were up for the challenge.

Beside each other in the car, the minutes dragged like hours, hours seemed to go on for eternities. The miles crept by, and at one point Clare thought she saw a little old lady pass them with her walker.

They went on. The radio cut in and out, the music got increasingly bad, but they pressed on. Nothing was going to stop them.

The wind was blowing harder now as they pulled over to take a break. Behind the glass at the gas station, a prophet, probably named Edna, sat, smoking a Marlboro Red, glaring at the rack of twinkies.
Edna exhaled, a long stream of grey smoke pouring from her wrinkled mouth.
"Joliet" is all she said.
The girls silently got back into the vehicle.

"Well?" Clare asked. She was tired, her eyes were starting to get dry, and her ass had fallen asleep 10 mile markers ago.
"We've come too far to turn back now" Sarah said, with what one can assume was the last bit of energy she had.

They continued on, an eternity later, pulling off onto the Joliet exit.
The roads were dark, and scary, and both girls had a hard time remembering that looking at other people's cars at stoplights was strictly a custom from their homeland, not this foreign place.
The road was endless. Mile after mile of car lot, gas station and strip malls was wearing on both of our protagonists.
They were almost at the end of the road.
And so far, nothing.
Not a single thing.
Were both the prophet and enviornmentalist wrong?
And there, in the distance, they saw it.
It called to them both.
Shining in bright contrast against the sky, it stood, waiting for them.
And it was beautiful.

"We need 20 sliders, 2 fries, and 2 medium sodas".
The girls ate until they could not eat anymore.
The prophet and enviornmentalist were right.
It was a hard, long, tiring journey.
Upon return both girls fell into their beds, stomachs full of the greasiest, most disgusting hamburgers in all of creation.
And they enjoyed every bite.
Some people say it's silly. Other's say we are too influence by the media. Clare and Sarah, however, are simply biding their time until their next epic journey.

Friday, January 14, 2005

An amazing story is on it's way.
Until then, bugger off.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I was dumb. I did a dumb thing.
I let my best friend "stay here a few nights".
With his pitbull, who is adorable.
The problem?
He's still here.
I'm feeling spread pretty fucking thin, and now I get to babysit for a 21 year old and his dog.
I'm broke as shit, I've got 200 pages of religion to study by tomorrow so I don't flunk out, and I'm busy cleaning up after the two of them. For the past three days.
I'm about to go insane.
I've got laundry piled up the ceiling in my bathroom that I don't have time to do.
I feel like my head is going to explode. I actually skipped my classes today to try to get a head start on things.
What did I wind up doing?
Babysitting the 21 year old and the fucking dog.
I am not about to let anyone fuck up my education.
Now's the problem.
He has nowhere to go, and he's my best friend.
Which leaves me in a hell of a spot. Say "Get the fuck out and take your dog that barfed on my rug and find somewhere else to stay, like anyone will take you" or go completely insane, risk being evicted for the animal living here, and probably fail the fuck out of college.
Every time I clean, I turn around and there's a mess.
Every time I vacuum, I turn around and there's more dog fur.
Every time I try to sleep, I get "Wanna watch Harold and Kumar?"
Every time I try to study, I field questions about "What's wrong".

What I need, what I really truly need, is a prescription for Zanax, a pound of fudge, and a 12 pack of beer to drink with Chris.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

So, I was sifting through the list of referrers to my little corner of the web here (it beats the fuck out of studying, so shut up), and I've come to the conclusion that you are all a bunch of perverts.
The 5 latest searches that lead to website are as follows:
"Oprah Tossed Salad"
"Gay Tweeker Sex"
"Bitch and Bongs"
"Dirty Bitch Assing"
"Kaustubh Pandav Naked"
And whoever found my site looking for that last one, email me, you are living the dream.

Not much else is going on the life of Clare. Back to school, back to the same old shit. I have 2 huge tests coming up this next week. Massively huge. So instead of studying, I present you with some of my tips for studying.
1.Find a clean, well lit place to study. This requires actually cleaning your house. You will be up until 3 or 4 A.M. doing this.
2.Munchie food is a gift from god. Begin studying. Realize, 3 paragraphs in, that you are lacking Doritos, which are imperative to getting a decent grade. Run to the store. Sit down to study. Realize that you forgot Twizzlers, and you must have Twizzlers. Run to the store again. Do this at least 4 more times.
3.Find comfortable clothes. This means, most likely, jammies. Shit, while you're in them, you might as well take a nap, you know, so you can focus.
4.Sit in front of your computer to help aid in whatever you're reading. Discuss current events, alcoholic beverages, and random other shit with your friends on AIM.
5.Put up an away message lamenting the fact that you have to study and can't talk.
6.Vow to begin right after you check F.U.B.A.R. one last time.
7.Begin studying.
8.Take a nap.
9.Wake up 2 hours before test, and try cramming 4 weeks worth of knowledge in to your brain in that amount of time.
10. Drink the pain away.

This, my friends, is what I will be doing tonight. Hooray college.
Here's some links to look at till next time.
Too Beautiful
Soapbox Network
Erection Warning Chart
Cooking with Cum
How To Argue With A Female
AIM Commandments
The Best Bud Light commercials EVER.