Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Merry Christmas!

I hope you all got whatever it is you wanted.

This has been an awesome few days. You might be seeing more of me in FHM if they cave to my demands for a pool boy named Raoul, my own private jet, and a country named in my honor.
I really think they'll cave on the jet.

It's weird seeing my writing all over the internet.
Some of my favorite bloggers of all time are giving that stinking list some really positive feedback, which is really kinda cool.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

So, in the spirit of my life turning really fucking cool really fucking fast....

I made the cover of FHM.

For those who don't speak Croatian (I think they speak Croatian), the "Politika Seksa" is mine.
I can't wait to get my copies, I will probably sleep with it under my pillow in hopes that the FHM fairy sends me that model in my article. She's hot and the guys at the office would appriciate it.

Ill try to update more frequently, but right now I am absolutely rocking out with the fact that Comcast just shut my internet and phone off, limiting my access to the internet to when I'm at the office.

And as much as I love you guys, I do enjoy my job and if HR saw half the shit I wrote on this page, I'd be fired.

Anyway, buy FHM. Learn Croatian. Check out that REALLY hot blonde.

(I'm seeing if they'll let me post the PDF files of the article on this, more later if they will).

Monday, December 18, 2006

Guess what folks?

It's FHM day!

I'd like to celebrate, but unlike you lazy fuckers, some of us have to work.

So I give you my current favorite insult that has been thrown my way, from

"Tweaker chick comes across as so insanely competitive with and derisive of other women that she'd let you do her with a wiffle ball bat for two bong hits and being told how much cooler than your last girlfriend she is."

God damn you people.

If you're going to insult me, get it right.
It's T-W-E-E-K-E-R and it's spelled C-L-A-R-E.

No "I".

A quick edit:
I've read my comments. Its awesome that you all are so supportive! The reason I posted the comment was not to rip on anyone (but feel free, you are all doing a superb job), but simply because it made me laugh. Outloud.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

A general problem I find when talking with my guy friends is the one of honesty in relationships. Now, don’t get me wrong, the men in my life are smart smart people. They know for an undisputed fact that honesty in relationships is key to success. They also know that if they are honest, they will never, ever, EVER get laid.

So what is a guy to do? How do you bring up something sensitive while still maintaining a sex life that consists of more than just your right hand?

I consulted a few of my favorite horny bastards and came up with decent solutions to some of your more pressing issues. You can thank me later when the sex is over.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I don’t want to hang out with your girlfriends.

This is a pretty easy one. Tell her that you love spending time with her. Now, lie through your teeth and compliment her friends, especially that one femi-nazi who makes your nuts shrivel and retract. Explain to her that you feel that you monopolize enough of her time and that you think it’s unfair to her that you intrude on her time with her friends. If she argues, smile and thank her for being considerate of your feelings, but you know how much that crazy man hating bitch means to her, and go have fun, you’ll go watch the game with someone.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You have a bushier mustache than I do.

Tread gently here guys. No girl in the world wants to know that you noticed her mustache. This is one topic that’s better not to approach at all, but I don’t know a single guy who is comfortable kissing Burt Reynolds. Sit back and assess how much this means to you. Then get off your ass, and high tail it to the nearest spa. Buy her a gift certificate for a facial and find the person who is going to do it. Explain to her how beautiful you think your girlfriend is, but you want to spare her feelings, and if she could kindly suggest it to her. Then pay extra and bribe the aesthetician into pretending it comes with the facial.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You left your toothbrush here, I know you did it on purpose, I don’t want to marry you and commitment scares the shit out of me.

Good one, Corky. She’s moving her shit in. One piece at a time. Unless you want this to get ugly quick, you need to get her shit out of there before she takes over half your closet, your bathroom, and she starts bringing in things like throw pillows and towels that are only there to be pretty. When you’re done vomiting from the sheer panic of your situation, mope around for awhile. Act like something is really tearing you up inside. She will eventually ask what’s wrong. Tell her that you need to talk to her.

Now is the time where you conjure up images of your pet turtle named Binky who was murdered horribly by a bird. Tear up a little bit. Tell her that you don’t know how to tell her this and you don’t want her to be upset, but the reason you love her is because every time you see her you get butterflies in your stomach. That the world feels like it stops for a minute. And that you noticed she left her shit there, and you’re scared that if she starts moving her stuff in, it will take away from that feeling. Then put that shit back in her purse, and explain to her that you never ever want to get used to her so that feeling never ever goes away.

Then wander around scratching your ass and drinking beer in your underwear, as you have now reclaimed your castle.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re getting fat.

This is one you’ll have to suck up. Honestly, suggesting that she try Slim-Fast because it’s “really good” isn’t gonna cut it. This time, you’re going to have to bite the bullet. Even if you’re built like Adonis, you should pat your beer belly and tell her that you are very self conscious that you’re getting fat. Tell her that you signed up for a gym and you want her to go with you because you need the support.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re a fucking bitch.

Chances are, if she’s being a bitch, she doesn’t want to hear it from you. The minute you open your mouth with that phrase, you can count on the fact that you’re not getting your dick wet. Run her a bath, book her a massage, something. Then tell her that you did that for her because she’s seemed really stressed out lately and you think that she needs some alone time to relax. Then book it the hell out of there and hide at the strip club.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: Yes, I think that actress is far hotter than you will ever be.

She knows the answer to this question. This is a test, and your stupid ass is going to fail. The right answer is not “No baby, you are far hotter than Angelina Jolie”. Because that’s a dirty lie. Angelina Jolie is proof that god is just and loves us. I’m a girl, and I’d fuck Angelina Jolie.

That being said, the answer to this is simple. You concede the fact that Angelina Jolie is, in fact, the hottest creature to roam the planet. And then tell her that you really prefer your women to be something that she is not. A few examples:

“I can see why people think Kate Moss is pretty, but I prefer that my girlfriend eats once in awhile”.

“Yea, Pam Anderson is pretty, but I think natural girls are beautiful”.

Then take a mental note of whatever you’re watching so you can jerk off to it later.

All you need for a successful relationship is open lines of communication. Provided you lie through your teeth and tell her the truth in a way that will ensure Little Elvis gets paid some attention. Before I get flooded with email about condoning lying to your girlfriend…that’s not what this is about. This is about being honest with your partner without calling her a fat bitch with horrible friends and a mustache.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

There are some things in life that just suck.
Money problems are definitely one of them.

However, money problems when you are stuck in a whirling vortex of stupidity is another topic altogether.

I'm holding my eviction notice. I've discussed this with her. My car broke, I had to get it fixed, I get paid, here's a post dated check, seriously.

Apparently she forgot to take her meds. Basically gave me a "give me money or your out" speech. So unless my donation box blows the fuck up I find myself in quite a spot.

There was the towing of cars. That was fun too! Parked illegally, my ass.

But the one thing that really set me off in this entire cluster fuck of retardation was the people at Pearle Vision. As far as being the most incompetent, difficult people to work with these dillholes win hands fucking down.

After the first incident with the contacts, I still haven't gotten them. These people have had my money since before Thanksgiving. I've been nerding it up in glasses that make me look like I should be wearing a black hoodie and writing poetry about how my parents didn't hug me enough since two weeks before Thanksgiving.

They finally called and told me that the trials were in. Great! Then I was stupid, and decided to see how the rest of the order was coming along.

"How long until the boxes get here."

"Oh, we haven't ordered them yet".

If I could've reached through the phone and strangled the life out of this worthless vagina, I would have. I somehow managed to keep my composure and ask her why.

"What if you don't like them?"

So I bit the bullet and told her that I was done. I was done with this mess, I was done with them cancel the order, I want a refund.

Then this lady said the one thing that spun me into a level of pissed off that I have never been or will ever be again.

She got very quiet, and simply said, "Nope".

Nope. Nope was her answer.

I am a world class bitcher. I spend my work day on a telephone. I have a response to every objection, every statement, everything, and I had absolutely nothing to say back. This bitch had rendered me absolutely speechless.

She proceeded to tell me about the contracts that they had with the companies that apparently are more important than the one she entered into with me when I gave them my money. But she was kind enough to offer me a receipt for contacts I haven't received so I could submit it to my insurance.

For some reason, I felt the need to ask.
What if I liked the new contacts, the order is still placed for the old ones...

"Oh, we can just cancel that one"

"But you can't cancel it and give me my money back"


Never has a single word infuriated me so much.

So, fuck you Pearle Vision.

Fuck you for making my financial situation worse than it already is for charging me for something that I never received.

Fuck you for your shitty customer service.

Fuck you for your inability to get my address right after the 4th time I requested you change it.

And fuck you for telling me to calm down. I'm broke, I'm being evicted, and I'm stuck in emo glasses. So unless I find a donation in that box for enough to solve my problems, you can tell me to calm down all you want.

My response to you?


Thursday, December 07, 2006

So this entire thing has been a little bit ridiculous.
It's great!
I've had over 150,000 hits to this little thing since someone discovered my list.
A quick thanks to everyone except for my landlord who can take her eviction notice and cram it up her ass.

Every day when I get in the office, I do the same thing. I throw my coat across the back of my chair, open up a few million internet browsers and pretend to work while I read my horoscope.

Here's my horoscope for today sent to me from MSN.
Success in a creative field, and possible acknowledgment from the public, could be coming your way, Clare. Close friends and romantic partners are likely to be very happy for you, and might even schedule a little celebration of some kind. Phone calls sending congratulations may come from distant states or even foreign countries. This is likely to be something you've been working towards for a long time, so relax and enjoy it.

I think they are stalking me because it looks like my list is going to wind up in FHM.

I suggest you all look for it around the 18th. Fly over seas if you have to, because this is pretty fucking cool!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I've gotten a zillion requests and questions about my "50 Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex" Post.

Let's see if I can answer them so you all will leave me alone.

1. Yes, I wrote that. All 50 of them came out of my little head. Thus they belong to me.

2. If you want to reproduce them, that's fine. Leave my name on them and don't you dare edit my content or I will hunt you down myself.

3. I'm well aware that not every guy is against snuggling. I don't think that most of them are. I am aware that most of them have a hard time sleeing when their girlfriend is laying on top of them because they don't want to move and wake them up. I'm not saying don't cuddle, but let the man move.

4. Say what you want about my political beliefs, I was a womens and gender's studies minor in college. I wasn't a major because my school didn't offer one. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you worthless hippies. Go shave your legs or something.

5. All marriage proposals must come with expensive jewelry or a hefty donation to my paypal. I'm scraping this month, and you want your woman to be happy, don't you?

Another Amendement:
6. I am not married. I'm not even dating. Single as they get.

Another Amendment:
7. I do not get paid for this. At all. Which is why I have the tiny donation button in the corner.

Another Amendment:
8. I'm not trying to win some popularity contest. Where the guy who wrote the first article was all about sex being one sided, I'm very not. None of it is really meant to be taken seriously, lighten up.

9. My profiles are incorrect. I'm 24, I don't live at home anymore, and you need more to do. I had no idea that a little post would have this sort of response, but thank you guys so much!

10. I'm a chick. I'm not some 35 year old guy on the internet pretending to be a woman.

11. Stop taking everything so seriously.

12. I don't use drugs. It's a nickname that sort of stuck from highschool. No meth, no pot, no nothing. I'm just hyperactive.

13. I'm not opposed to the idea of TV, but I strongly believe there is a reason I'm on the internet, not on television.

14. I understand my post was very one sided and feeds into alot of stereotypes. That would be the point.

15. Leave my parents alone. Say what you want about me, but my parents are awesome people, and fuck you for dragging them into anything.

16. I'm not a slut. I just think its silly that a list like 50 Things Men Do Wrong During Sex doesn't have a counterpart. Sex is a two way street, if you're doing it right.

17. For. The. Last . Time. Any Tweekerchick or variation there of on any sites about meth use, rehab, or the like aren't me. They aren't even affiliated with me. I hope they get the help that they need.

18. I don't feel like posting a picture. Long dark hair, dark eyes, big ass. Really, that about covers it.