A general problem I find when talking with my guy friends is the one of honesty in relationships. Now, don’t get me wrong, the men in my life are smart smart people. They know for an undisputed fact that honesty in relationships is key to success. They also know that if they are honest, they will never, ever, EVER get laid.
So what is a guy to do? How do you bring up something sensitive while still maintaining a sex life that consists of more than just your right hand?
I consulted a few of my favorite horny bastards and came up with decent solutions to some of your more pressing issues. You can thank me later when the sex is over.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I don’t want to hang out with your girlfriends.
This is a pretty easy one. Tell her that you love spending time with her. Now, lie through your teeth and compliment her friends, especially that one femi-nazi who makes your nuts shrivel and retract. Explain to her that you feel that you monopolize enough of her time and that you think it’s unfair to her that you intrude on her time with her friends. If she argues, smile and thank her for being considerate of your feelings, but you know how much that crazy man hating bitch means to her, and go have fun, you’ll go watch the game with someone.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You have a bushier mustache than I do.
Tread gently here guys. No girl in the world wants to know that you noticed her mustache. This is one topic that’s better not to approach at all, but I don’t know a single guy who is comfortable kissing Burt Reynolds. Sit back and assess how much this means to you. Then get off your ass, and high tail it to the nearest spa. Buy her a gift certificate for a facial and find the person who is going to do it. Explain to her how beautiful you think your girlfriend is, but you want to spare her feelings, and if she could kindly suggest it to her. Then pay extra and bribe the aesthetician into pretending it comes with the facial.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You left your toothbrush here, I know you did it on purpose, I don’t want to marry you and commitment scares the shit out of me.
Good one, Corky. She’s moving her shit in. One piece at a time. Unless you want this to get ugly quick, you need to get her shit out of there before she takes over half your closet, your bathroom, and she starts bringing in things like throw pillows and towels that are only there to be pretty. When you’re done vomiting from the sheer panic of your situation, mope around for awhile. Act like something is really tearing you up inside. She will eventually ask what’s wrong. Tell her that you need to talk to her.
Now is the time where you conjure up images of your pet turtle named Binky who was murdered horribly by a bird. Tear up a little bit. Tell her that you don’t know how to tell her this and you don’t want her to be upset, but the reason you love her is because every time you see her you get butterflies in your stomach. That the world feels like it stops for a minute. And that you noticed she left her shit there, and you’re scared that if she starts moving her stuff in, it will take away from that feeling. Then put that shit back in her purse, and explain to her that you never ever want to get used to her so that feeling never ever goes away.
Then wander around scratching your ass and drinking beer in your underwear, as you have now reclaimed your castle.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re getting fat.
This is one you’ll have to suck up. Honestly, suggesting that she try Slim-Fast because it’s “really good” isn’t gonna cut it. This time, you’re going to have to bite the bullet. Even if you’re built like Adonis, you should pat your beer belly and tell her that you are very self conscious that you’re getting fat. Tell her that you signed up for a gym and you want her to go with you because you need the support.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re a fucking bitch.
Chances are, if she’s being a bitch, she doesn’t want to hear it from you. The minute you open your mouth with that phrase, you can count on the fact that you’re not getting your dick wet. Run her a bath, book her a massage, something. Then tell her that you did that for her because she’s seemed really stressed out lately and you think that she needs some alone time to relax. Then book it the hell out of there and hide at the strip club.
What you’re too much of a pussy to say: Yes, I think that actress is far hotter than you will ever be.
She knows the answer to this question. This is a test, and your stupid ass is going to fail. The right answer is not “No baby, you are far hotter than Angelina Jolie”. Because that’s a dirty lie. Angelina Jolie is proof that god is just and loves us. I’m a girl, and I’d fuck Angelina Jolie.
That being said, the answer to this is simple. You concede the fact that Angelina Jolie is, in fact, the hottest creature to roam the planet. And then tell her that you really prefer your women to be something that she is not. A few examples:
“I can see why people think Kate Moss is pretty, but I prefer that my girlfriend eats once in awhile”.
“Yea, Pam Anderson is pretty, but I think natural girls are beautiful”.
Then take a mental note of whatever you’re watching so you can jerk off to it later.
All you need for a successful relationship is open lines of communication. Provided you lie through your teeth and tell her the truth in a way that will ensure Little Elvis gets paid some attention. Before I get flooded with email about condoning lying to your girlfriend…that’s not what this is about. This is about being honest with your partner without calling her a fat bitch with horrible friends and a mustache.