It is human nature to be upset when someone calls you a name. Most normal people allow it to slide off of their backs and go about their merry way. But there is always that one phrase, that one name, that one little jab, that makes even the nicest of the nice go completely berserk. I found mine today. My boss, lets call him...Dave...decided to take it upon himself to call over my friend/supervisor...who shall remain nameless...to discuss an issue involving me and the (false) idea that I gave my work keys to one of the kids. His little girlfriend, lets call her Evil Claire just to shake things up a little bit, decided to call him on his day off, to feed him this line of bullshit. When the Nameless Supervisor explained what really happened, his response was simple. "Well, Clare's a liar".

Now, mother fucker. I am a lot of things. But I am not a liar.

I lie about two things, and two things only. The drugs I do and the people I have sex with. And anyone who tells you they don't lie about those two things is lying to you. Now. In all fairness, lets break this down.

Example 1: Although against policy, Dave continues to have a relationship with Evil Claire outside of work. Seeing as he is senior staff coordinator and she is just a staff, this is a big no no. When confronted about this, Dave claimed to have nothing but a working relationship with the staff. Maybe they discuss work over the pitchers of beer in the seedy places they hang out.  

Example 2: When asked if he fraternized with any of the staff, Dave said no. Earlier this year he attended a kegger at a staff's apartment, and helped carry Evil Claire home. Maybe he was unclear on the definition of "fraternization".  

Example 3: When asked if he had any relationship other than a professional relationship with Evil Claire, Dave stated no. However, she calls him on his cellphone during her cigarette breaks, and numerous times during the shift. Staff is not permitted to have cell phones, and one would assume that having the bosses number implies more than just a working relationship. Maybe she's trying to "work" her way up the corporate ladder.  

Example 4: Although against policy, Dave continues to call staff in on a one on one basis about rumors that involve Evil Claire. He claims never to have done this, although when the rumor was going around that Sandra got suspended, he all but did a little dance and make a goddamn sign.  

Example 5: Although he claims never to play favorites, one time I saw him kissing Evil Claire in the parking lot. I am open to the idea that I may be mistaken. He might have been giving her CPR while standing up, or trying to eat her face, but it sure looked like a kiss to me.  

 The logical conclusion that one can draw is that not only is Dave a liar, he is also a miserable little asshat. Not that I can blame him. He's 40, balding and makes less than $8 an hour. I'd be a dickhead too if my wife made more than I did, I had a beer belly, a little dick and a shitty car.  And on a side note, buy bigger pants. Nut-cutters are not attractive. It must be rough having to try to dick the 23 year old bleach-blonde meth addict at work to try to get a piece.  

It's okay, Dave. Everyone has things they suck at. Yours just happens to be life.

Bitch.