Thursday, May 24, 2012

I finally received some good news that I had been waiting for what can only be described as what feels like a fucking eternity for.

Over the last holiday season, I got incredibly sick with pneumonia. Lots of hospital visits, had to stay home for a month...was not in a good place.

After that it was like being treated with kid gloves. There was just stuff I couldn't do, be it because I was uncomfortable in my skin after gaining weight on the steroids or because my doctor was concerned about the environmental factors contributing to my having more breathing issues.

It's been a long road. A lot has fallen apart because of it. I mean, really, who wants to be with someone who can't do anything because everything makes her wheeze? Yes, I was eventually going to get better, but I can see not wanting to wait for that. It was incredibly frustrating. More frustrating for me because I had no choice but to become a spectator in my own life. I watched people I love go hiking, or swimming, or riding on their motorcycles, or whatever else but I could never go.

I'm still not 100% where I should be, and that is annoying. It's like...climbing Mount Everest, getting to the top and seeing a flight of stairs labeled "To the top". It's the ultimate middle finger.

That being said...I am better. I finally got the clearance to do a few of the things I've wanted to do for a long time now. Like ride motorcycles, go hiking (depending on the day and whether or not I have enough inhalers) and work out again.

There are still things I want to do that are absolutely out of the question for the time being. Skydiving, for example, is out. I won't be running any marathons any time soon. However, I can run again. You know, if my car was broken, someone was chasing me and there was absolutely no other alternative.

But it's kind of a hollow victory at this point. The 7 months or so of not being able to do anything has already taken such a huge toll on my relationships I'm not sure there's any turning back from that. The same people I want to call and tell the good news got sick of waiting for me a long time ago. You can't blame them really. After being told "I'm sorry, I still can't" enough times, people just stop asking. They find someone who can.

That's what breaks my heart the most. That it was such a fight and by the end of it I feel like I've no one to share it with. I might not have been public about how hard it was getting better...but it was hard. It is hard. It's exhausting. There were days I sat in my shower and cried because I didn't have the energy to even wash my hair. It's partially my fault because I did it alone, but there was nothing anyone could've possibly done to help me with it.

I was getting better partially for me and partially for the people I wanted to share parts of my life with. It makes me incredibly sad that people who were waiting for me to go hiking, ride on their motorcycle, or go for a jog (shut up, it could happen) got tired and wrote me off a long time ago. I certainly don't blame them.

I know that it wasn't for nothing, but it kind of feels like it. How do you call those people, even if you see them a lot, and say "I wish I could do everything on earth with you"? You just can't.

An incredible artist I know named Raven once said "art saves my life".

Writing saves mine.

So that's why I'm telling you guys. I know it's not the typical hilarious Clare that you expect, but I needed to share it with someone before I get all tangled up in my words again.  

1 comment:

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