Sunday, May 27, 2012

I think I'm broken

I hate writing sometimes.

I really do.

A lot of other mediums allow for some kind of social interaction. Writing really isn't one of them. Not that I'm knocking people who can socialize while doing their thing, it just so happens that writing isn't really one of those things.

At the end of the day, I wind up sitting alone in a room with my laptop, trying to pick one idea out of the millions of thoughts that run through my head. There's never a clear idea, it's mostly abstract shapes, half formed ideas, and the occasional snippet of a sentence.

What people seem to miss is that even though my writing tends to be funny, it's still incredibly painful. Every time I write, I'm ripping the stitches on something. Every joke comes from a little bit of pain, disappointment, sadness, rejection, heartbreak or missed opportunity. The logical choice would be to simply not write.

For someone like me that isn't an option. I might not update my blog every day, but I do write everyday. Otherwise, the same thoughts just swirl in my head and chip away at me until I can hardly function. There are days that no matter how hard I try I can't get the thoughts out on paper. The problem is just by trying all of those thoughts wind up front and center, but there's absolutely no abreaction because my words just won't work.

Those days are the worst. How do you explain to the people around you that you're 2000 miles from home and kind of a mess because the one outlet you have from the stress of the move, relationship issues and new job rips the stitches on things you didn't know you felt anymore? How do you tell someone that you can't eat, you can't sleep and you just kind of need someone who gets it?

There are days when I would kill just to have someone sit next to me on the couch while I tried to string words together into thoughts that make some sort of sense. This is one of those days. It's all I can do not to curl up in a ball on my floor and cry.

The problem with writing is how easy it is to get stuck in your own head. It's even harder when you don't have anyone to shake you out of it every once in awhile and remind you that you're not broken.

1 comment:

Betty Jo Thomas said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has days like this. You're strong, you'll get through it. And you're definitely not broken. I've been quietly reading for a while; you're an inspiration to me, really and truly. Thank you :)