Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I am less than happy. There's basically a hiring freeze cause of the recession, so instead of laying me off, they gave me a new job.

I am now Sales Coordination Specialist. Meaning all the sales people kiss my ass, and I hate my life. I hate sales. And although I'm grateful for employment, I was so depressed when I did sales I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I hate it that much. Not to mention, I am losing about a buttload in salary this year, provided I'm ONLY doing this for a month. If it goes longer, go ahead and double or triple that number.

So I am less than happy.

So, because I write when I am less than happy, I'd like to present you all with a list of things I'd rather do than sales.

Enjoy my pain.
  • Any of my arch nemeses
  • Take a vow of chastity
  • Listen to Hollaback girl on repeat
  • Give up tequila and drugs
  • Watch the view
  • Have any kind of oral surgery
  • Poke myself in the eye
  • Take it in the ass from the entire Chicago Bears football team, including Grossman who would most likely have just as much trouble finding my butt as he does a football
  • Get a sex change operation
  • Have a lesbian encounter with Amy Winehouse after she got her tooth fixed
  • Have a lesbian encounter with Amy Winehouse before she got her tooth fixed
  • Pete Dougherty
  • Anything involving Martha Stewart
  • Watch Catwoman again
  • Befriend Paris Hilton
  • Become a Scientologist
  • Shove steel wool in my hoo-ha and run around the block
  • Give the cast of Jackass rim jobs
  • Give up caffeine
  • Watch 2 girls 1 cup on a continuous loop
  • Let Ron Jeremy stick it anywhere he wants
  • Get a colonoscopy
  • Let Britney Spears run over my foot
  • Move to Utah
  • Try Heroin
  • Give myself a paper cut and rub lemon juice in it
  • Try microdermabrasion with a sandblaster
  • Pick up an STI from the guy who played the fat guy in Seven
  • Lick Hillary Clinton's kankle
  • Bite Ross Perot's nipple
  • Vote for Bush
  • Move to Canada
  • Jam a fork under my fingernail
  • Cut my hair into the bulldyke mullet and wear flannel
  • Snort cocaine cut with laxatives
  • Wear nothing but flowy clothing in earth tones like those nutty feminists do
  • Sell my favorite and beloved little Pomeranian to the Chinese food restaurant near my house
  • Listen to my twin sister screech
  • Roll around in the snow naked in the parking lot of Pow's office
  • Get caught shoplifting in Singapore with a joint in my pocket
  • Go to the south side in the middle of the night and randomly call people 'Mick' "Shant" and "Paddy"
  • 3 some with my ex boyfriend and his current slut (someone call him his dream has come true)
  • Get myself a girlfriend and a guide on fisting
  • Go blonde

There are more but my fingers hurt.


GAHHH. I think I just had a stroke.

4 comments:

JustSumDude said...

Jeff?

Bartski said...

The universe hates you.

You might as well face it.

Matt! said...

The part about going blonde = SOOO true. stay brunette! 4life!

Anonymous said...

"Move to Canada"!? Our economy is sooooo screwed right now, Tim Horton's is paying 12-year olds $11.00/hour to pour coffee. I can't decide if you're right to hack on us for that, or if it would solve both your caffeine jones and your financial problems. Oh, and we have the Cannabis Cup-winning pot for the last 2 years. And it's everywhere...