Friday, February 01, 2008

Last night, this morning. Same thing.

This post is a little over due, but that's life.

2008 couldn't come fast enough. 2007 was kind of the "The Year That Sucked Balls For Everyone On The Planet", so most of the free world was eternally excited to give it the kiss off. Even New Years Eve was starting off as a suck fest, the heat in my car broke on the way to the bar, all of my plans fell through and I was about to ring in The New Year in a shitty bar with my half-Asian brother type of person.

About ten minutes until midnight, I turned to Pittman, the half-Asian, and said words I would live to regret.

"Fuck you, 2007 there's nothing you can do to me anymore!". How the bar didn't go up in flames at that point is anyones guess.

I rang in New Years Eve sitting in a dive bar in Elmhurst IL wearing a leopard print tiara while an old guy across the bar licked his lips and stared at my cleavage. Good start, 2008.

Then, a gift from god. I get a text from a guy I know. There's a party, get your ass over here, and how nice for me, it's close to The Red Head I Want To See Naked.

Now, this particular friend. He knows me well enough to know that God hates me and punishes me at every opportunity possible. He also knows that people around me are often collateral damage. And bless his heart, he wants to hang out with me anyway. (Brave or stupid, you be the judge.)

The Half-Asian and I make it to the party where we are greeted by my friend, who in a vast attempt to prove that he is indeed a heterosexual was wearing a plaid shirt and a plaid fedora that don't match (If anyone ever makes a video titled "Two Plaids, One Guy" you know its him).

Drinks are drunk, life is fun, I'm introduced to his friend Matt, and his ex girlfriend who is nicknamed after an aquatic mammal, and is totally ok with this. We decide to go after party somewhere else, the results of which can only be labeled as "entirely my fault for testing God".

So, we all pile into a car and decide to swing by my place to grab a few bottles of wine and my glasses so I can see more than 3 inches in front of my own nose. The thing with driving with a bunch of new people is that you get to learn an awful lot about them.

Some of those things are good to know before getting into a car with them. For example: Matt happens to live next to someone I'd like to hit in the face. That would've been good to know before hand. To be honest, I would've been happier hearing "I use heroin and I am carrying a bag with me right now" than "I live next to douche bag". But whatever.

We are cruising happily along Irving Park Road when my plaid clad friend pulls over to the side of the road. And unless he was getting ready to put the moves on one of us, this was not going to end well. We had run out of gas.

At three in the morning.

On New Years Eve.

I was trapped. In a car. With no gas. With a kid wearing two plaids, a half Asian, an aquatic mammal and the neighbor of a person I hate. Thank you, God. I needed that.

A car pulls up behind us, and despite what I've learned in every single horror movie I have ever seen, the boys get out of the car. It's a short little Asian guy. He says he'll bring gas and be right back. Right. One of two things will come from this: He will come back, abduct us all and take us to some deserted farm and eat us, or he will laugh his skinny ass off as he drives straight home and goes to bed.

If any of you reading this happen to know anyone at Roadside Assistance, I want you to punch them in the gonads. Hard. Go ahead, I'll wait. It was like a game of 20 fucking questions, none of which helped us to get any gas in the car. Meanwhile, The Red Head I Want To See Naked is texting me to come get him, and the police pulled up behind us.

Great. Nothing says Happy New Year like the police. Sergent Dumb ass says he will come back and check on us in fifteen minutes. Nothing.

Then I saw something that simultaneously renewed my faith in humanity and caused me to laugh my ass off. On the other side of Irving Park Road, there was a short little Asian with a gas can, running through traffic like a real life game of Frogger towards us. He gives us enough gas to go to a gas station and refuses to let us pay for it, telling us only to Pay It Forward (which up until now I chalked up to being a big load of hippie bullshit).

So, to sum up New Years In A Few Nifty Bullet Points:
  • Heater in the Car broke, which later turned out to be $1200 bucks in repairs, and I'm lucky it didn't explode and kill me.
  • I didn't get to see the red head naked.
  • I wound up sitting on the side of the road with a half-Asian, the neighbor to my arch-nemesis, an aquatic mammal and a guy who wears two different plaids in public.
Things this has taught me:
  • Make sure John checks the gas gauge BEFORE we leave next time
  • God is not above taking out an entire car full of people, including a minority, to give me the finger
  • It is possible to wear two different plaids and still look sexy
  • The State of Illinois owes everyone in that car a refund for the exact amount of that police officers salary
  • It is possible to pee outside in freezing weather and not wind up stuck to the ground by a stream of pee (the Dolphin taught me this)
  • Don't ever call the police, just keep a short Asian guy on retainer, it's a sure bet.

On a serious note, a huge thank you to Jin. You got us out of a bad situation and renewed my faith in humanity and expected nothing in return. May karma shower you with beautiful naked women clutching hundred dollar bills, or anything else you could possibly want out of life.

To God: Do you feel better now?


Omega Zombie said...

this is dead nuts exactly how that night happened. I hope people can really appreciate how damned clandestined this night was :)
love the aquatic mammal's ex ;)

Anonymous said...

You spent new years with Dennis Pittman? who is also known as "Gerbil?"

*confused look*

Myspace me..

or email.. i do check it..once in a blue moonage..

Clare said...

Yes. And a guy in mismatched plaids.