Sunday, February 10, 2008

It seems like everywhere I turn, there is another mention of someone who has a "friend with benefits". Cosmo has dedicated articles to it, there is an episode of Seinfeld dedicated to it, and it seems to have become the catalyst for a lot of stupid bullshit.

Although any sort of relationship involving sex seems to bring its fair share of drama and irritations, nothing seems quite as complicated as this "friends with benefits" thing that I keep hearing about.

I am going to do what I do best. I'm going to un-complicate this in the form of a nifty list, so you can all get back to humping and stop asking me for advice.

TweekerChick's Guide To Screwing Your Friend, Not Your Friendship:

1. For the idea of "friends with benefits" to actually work the way it should, the two fornicators should ideally be friends in the first place. This might seem obvious, considering its referred to as "Friends with benefits" and not "Some random guy who bought me tequila at the bar with benefits". This implies that you actually enjoy their company with their clothes on. I'll touch on booty calls/fuck buddies in my book (self promotion, woo!), but that's an entirely different set of rules and regulations. Now repeat after me. "If I have a closer relationship with the person who changes my oil than with the person I am about to hump, it is a booty call." See? That wasn't so hard.

2. For the love of GOD, do not fall in love with the person. This is the number one thing that screws the pooch every single bloody time. I think its something with the endorphins released after sex. One minute you're humping her and smacking her ass and the next minute you're thinking of a little house with a white picket fence and 3.2 kids and a dog named Max. Don't do it.
3. Speaking of kids, birth control is your friend. I like to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, but with whats going on in the media, I am going to give you all what I like to call "TweekerChick's Quick Guide On Where Babies and Herpes Come From". Babies come from having sex without using birth control or condoms. Herpes come from having sex without using a condom.

I don't know if people lately missed that chapter in health class in 8th grade, but not all STDs are visible, and a lot of people who are carriers of diseases that can kill you don't show any symptoms. They might not even know they have it. Stop having unprotected sex. Pulling out is not effective birth control. Praying to god for your rag is not effective birth control. Fucking hanging upside down from the ceiling fan on the third day after the seventh sabbath after the new moon is not effective birth control. Do you WANT to be like Britney Spears? DO YOU? I didn't think so. Don't do it. Safe sex. Every time.

4. There is more to this relationship than playing hide the salami. Say that out loud. One more time. Keep in mind: This person is your friend. The goal is to keep that person as your friend while continuing to see them naked when you're horny. The easiest way to do this is to hang out with them like normal as well. If every single time you two are together turns into an orgy of sin, you've already fucked it up.

5. Lay out the ground rules in regards to other people right away. I don't mean that in a "can we have a threesome" kind of way. There needs to be a very open dialog on whether or not you are allowed to schtupp other people. If you ignore this step, you have forfeited your right to be upset when you walk into the frat house to find the football team stuffing your friend like a turkey.

6. If you decide to not have sex with others, that does not in any way imply a relationship. Friends with benefits are most commonly used for that nasty time in between relationships where you need to blow a load but don't want to deal with the constant bitching of another person. When, not if, WHEN your partner finds a new significant other, you do not reserve the right to listen to Hawthorne Heights and write shitty poetry about how she broke your heart.

7. Be discreet. Nothing will bite you in your ass faster than announcing your friends with benefits status. If you want to be able to kick it with this person after they get a new boy/girl friend, I'd strongly suggest shutting your yap. Because I know few people who'd say "Oh sure honey, you go right ahead and go watch movies with the person you were sleeping with before me. I am totally comfortable with you two being alone in the dark, because I trust that you won't have mind blowing sex with them one more time". Even if you really won't cheat, it'll still be a gigantic pain that you have to deal with, all which would've been prevented if you'd have kept your mouth flaps shut.

8. You are not allowed to sabotage what could be a decent new relationship for her just so you can keep your piece of ass. Yea, I know that hurts. However, it hurts a lot less than her foot crushing your testicles when she finds out that you labeled her as a "No Touchie".

9. The "No Touchie Rule" (Essentially calling dibs on a girl to some of your close friends) applies only in your very inner circle. Normally, it is well within your rights to tell your friends, drinking buddies, etc, that they aren't allowed to pursue your girl thing after you broke up. However, this is not your girlfriend. She is your girl friend. There is a difference. The no touchie rule here applies to your roommate, your best friend(s) and potentially your family (immediate only), and that is only to prevent roommate problems and awkward silences at family reunions.

10. Whoever said you can't call the next day most likely never got to tap that ass again. If you normally call her, call her the next day and chat like you normally do. If you don't normally call her, don't you dare touch that phone. The rest of your friendship needs to stay the way it was. If you can't do that, keep it in your pants. It really isn't rocket science.

11. Keep the bragging to yourself. Yes, I know it's some weird male thing that you guys need to let everyone within the current time zone know that you did, in fact, tap that ass. But this is your friend and she deserves a little bit more respect than the sorority girl at the bar with the skirt so short you can see her ovaries.

12. If for some reason the friendship dissolves later, you do not have a green light to be a chode. Yes, sticking it in her roommates ass while yelling "You are so much better than your skanky friend!" and then blowing your load on her pillow would give you a moment of vindication. But one moment of vindication is not worth the end result, which is you never getting pussy ever again once you are out of traction.

13. If you find yourself in a new relationship, immediately let your friend know. Under no circumstances are you to show up with a Heidi Klum look alike out of nowhere and introduce her to the girl you boned last night as "Your new girlfriend". Girls are horribly mean to each other, and once they are done scratching out each others eyes and calling each other fat, they will turn on you. And you will not win.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. The person who said that obviously never incurred the wrath of two of them at once. If you do this, you might as well saw off your penis with your pocket knife, it'll be a lot less painful. Women are dangerously insane, and the sooner you come to realize this, the better. The ones that don't appear to be dangerously insane are the worst of the bunch. Believe this.

14. There will be absolutely no discussion of...mechanical failures, if you will. If Little Elvis didn't come for the show, fine. If she makes some weird noise, fine. Whiskey dick. Fine. Address it at the moment and then be done with it. No talking about it over beers. No sitting over a latte and discussing how your last sneeze lasted longer than he did.

15. Do not even look at that relationship status on Facebook. I am not kidding. They might as well replace "Open Relationship" And "It's Complicated" with "We totally screwed, but one of us is scared to death of commitment, and the other one is holding off for something better. Or is a huge slut." Really, all it does is beg the question, and people will ask.

16. If your best friend is of the opposite sex, they are off limits. If they are the same sex, it's slightly more amusing for people like me, but they are still off limits. This is because very few of these arrangements work out in the long term and there is nothing more soul crushing than losing your best friend because you couldn't think with the head attached to your shoulders.

In my entire life, I know of one person who ever had a "Friends with benefits" relationship with their best friend that didn't back fire. (Dad, if you are reading this, stop right here. Mom, if you are reading this, distract Dad and hide the keys for the gun cabinet).

That person is me. My best friend and I did it like bunnies on X for almost a year. When we both got into a relationship with other people it was hard, but we finally realized that it was stupid of us to ever have sex because fundamentally, we couldn't stand each other (which really is the basis for any good relationship). He's still my best friend to this day, we haven't scrogged in almost 6 years and things have never been better for either of us.

Why am I telling you this? Because I can almost promise that won't happen for you. It only happened this way for us because we were on a lot of drugs at the time. So don't do it, lest your life becomes a shitty episode of Dawson's Creek and your friends hate you because they have to listen to you consistently bitch about it.

17. Knock off that sexual tension bullshit. Put 50 people in a room and I can tell you who had sex with who, and who wants to because most people have really shitty poker faces. If Helen Keller could tell that you were storming the pearly gates with your purple headed devil, you are doing something wrong.

Really guys. I could go on all night with this, but I'm freezing my jigglies off and I'm tired. But now you have some words to live by for when you decide to Windsurf on Mount Baldy with your friend that will hopefully keep them your friend after they realize that you have no idea what you're doing in bed. Happy Humping, you dirty fornicators.

5 comments:

Trouble said...

Excellent "rules." Unfortunately, the last go round that #2 got in the way. Fucking bullshit is what it is. Grrr.

Then again, normal people don't carry on the friends with benefits thing with the same person for 8 months. Hmph.

Bartski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bartski said...

Either I've tried this with the wrong girls or I'm just fundamentally flawed, but...

It never works. It starts out as fun and games and evolves into "avoid the psychobitch."

Sorry about the deleted comment. You'd think that if anyone was going to proofread, it would be little anal Annie.

Travis said...

Look, I'm sorry I did your roommate in the ass. And I didn't mean to shoot on your pillow. I didn't think it would go that far.

Anonymous said...

CLAP2X...i love the way u describe...this is why islam don't want we(muslims)have a sex w/o married status..n yeah can't touch her or alone with her