My friends at work are assholes. I say this with all the love in the world. I relayed the boob story to 2 of my work buddies. This was my mistake. To one of them, in his head, this entire thing played out like an episode of Star Trek.
So, Nick, being the hilarious dude that he is, actually wrote it out.
You read that right. He wrote out my boob injury like a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode.
There's not really much else I can say...so here. Enjoy my pain further.
EXTERIOR, ENTERPRISE IN DEEP SPACE, ENERGY FIELD NEARBY.
ENERGY FIELD IS SHAPED LIKE TWO SPHERES, PRESSED TOGETHER.
PICARD: Captain's log. While en route to the edge of the Pirolis Sector, the Enterprise has come across some kind of gravitational field.
I've ordered a full stop until we can determine the nature of this anomaly.
INTERIOR, ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
PICARD: Mr. Data, status report.
DATA: Scans indicate that the energy field is somehow being trapped and compressed.
It appears that there is a thin, curved, metallic satellite near the field, somehow related to this phenomenon.
CONSOLE BEEPS OMNIOUSLY
DATA: Captian, there has been a breech in the hull of the satellite.
The energy field is expanding.
EXPLOSION ROCKS BRIDGE
RED ALERT KLAXON SOUNDS
BRIDGE IS NOW SHAKING
PICARD: Data move us back! Geordi, status report!
SMOKE AND BURNED CONSOLES VISIBLE
What's going on out there?
We almost lost the containment field in our antimatter storage tanks!
All sorts of systems are offline.
Let me check...this is really strange captain, plasma conduits, internal force fields, shields...
Anything having to do with containment is either damanged or offline!
PICARD: Why is my bridged, jiggling, Geordi?!
GEORDI: The inertial dampeners are only running at five percent.
That means can't go to warp, either.
WORF: There is severe damage to the port nacelle, Captain.
We are leaking plasma and atmosphere until the internal force fields are back online.
PICARD: Data, one quarter impulse, back us away from that thing.
RIKER: But, Captain, it's...so beautiful...I just want to rub my face in it and-
PICARD: Nubmer One!
Pull yourself together!
This energy field is somehow affecting you!
You're relieved of duty, and confined to your quarters until we have the situation under control.
RIKER: Um, yeah. I'll be in my quarters.
I've got some, uh, 'work' to do anyway while I'm all alone.
RIKER STANDS UP WITH OBVIOUS ERECTION, HEADS TOWARD TURBOLIFT
DATA: Captain, I believe that we can use the holodeck transmitters to temporarily seal off the breech in the port nacelle.
PICARD: Make it so.
DATA: Rerouting holotransmitter control to bridge...programming holodeck scenario...reconfiguring force-field nodes to accept holodeck control..
The breech is sealed captain.
SHAKING BEGINS TO SUBSIDE
GEORDI: I've managed to patch things up, Captain, using Data's lead on the holotransmitters.
I wouldn't want to run like this for too long though - we need to get to a Starbase fast!
PICARD: Is is safe to go to warp, Mr. LaForge?
GEORDI: I wouldn't want to push it much past warp two, Captain.
PICARD: Helmsan, plot in a course for Starbase Macy, warp factor two.
DATA: Aye, aye, Captain.
EXTERIOR, DEEP SPACE
ENERGY FIELD HAS EXPANDED
ENTERPRISE MAKE SLOW TURN AND GOES TO WARP
So there it is folks. A big thankyou to Nick for being hilarious, and a fuck you to all of you for laughing at my pain.