Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I am less than happy. There's basically a hiring freeze cause of the recession, so instead of laying me off, they gave me a new job.

I am now Sales Coordination Specialist. Meaning all the sales people kiss my ass, and I hate my life. I hate sales. And although I'm grateful for employment, I was so depressed when I did sales I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I hate it that much. Not to mention, I am losing about a buttload in salary this year, provided I'm ONLY doing this for a month. If it goes longer, go ahead and double or triple that number.

So I am less than happy.

So, because I write when I am less than happy, I'd like to present you all with a list of things I'd rather do than sales.

Enjoy my pain.
  • Any of my arch nemeses
  • Take a vow of chastity
  • Listen to Hollaback girl on repeat
  • Give up tequila and drugs
  • Watch the view
  • Have any kind of oral surgery
  • Poke myself in the eye
  • Take it in the ass from the entire Chicago Bears football team, including Grossman who would most likely have just as much trouble finding my butt as he does a football
  • Get a sex change operation
  • Have a lesbian encounter with Amy Winehouse after she got her tooth fixed
  • Have a lesbian encounter with Amy Winehouse before she got her tooth fixed
  • Pete Dougherty
  • Anything involving Martha Stewart
  • Watch Catwoman again
  • Befriend Paris Hilton
  • Become a Scientologist
  • Shove steel wool in my hoo-ha and run around the block
  • Give the cast of Jackass rim jobs
  • Give up caffeine
  • Watch 2 girls 1 cup on a continuous loop
  • Let Ron Jeremy stick it anywhere he wants
  • Get a colonoscopy
  • Let Britney Spears run over my foot
  • Move to Utah
  • Try Heroin
  • Give myself a paper cut and rub lemon juice in it
  • Try microdermabrasion with a sandblaster
  • Pick up an STI from the guy who played the fat guy in Seven
  • Lick Hillary Clinton's kankle
  • Bite Ross Perot's nipple
  • Vote for Bush
  • Move to Canada
  • Jam a fork under my fingernail
  • Cut my hair into the bulldyke mullet and wear flannel
  • Snort cocaine cut with laxatives
  • Wear nothing but flowy clothing in earth tones like those nutty feminists do
  • Sell my favorite and beloved little Pomeranian to the Chinese food restaurant near my house
  • Listen to my twin sister screech
  • Roll around in the snow naked in the parking lot of Pow's office
  • Get caught shoplifting in Singapore with a joint in my pocket
  • Go to the south side in the middle of the night and randomly call people 'Mick' "Shant" and "Paddy"
  • 3 some with my ex boyfriend and his current slut (someone call him his dream has come true)
  • Get myself a girlfriend and a guide on fisting
  • Go blonde

There are more but my fingers hurt.

GAHHH. I think I just had a stroke.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

So, I was going through comments on my last post, and I found this from Jen.
"Hey I wasn't sure if you know, but Dan Parmenter was the little and only brother of Kristen Parmenter of Augustana. You would remember her from all the drunkin nights we spent at Mis B's. I just found out this morning and thought I would help spread the word to those who know the Parmenter family. Thank you for your blog too by the way. I'm sure it really means a lot to everyone. :)"

And I think my heart broke just a little bit more.

The entire thing is just something I can't wrap my head around, and this just drove it home.

Prayers for Kristen and her family. I'm sorry I'm not in the QC to pay my respects the way I want to.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

If you haven't been living under a rock you probably have heard about the shooting at Northern Illinois University on Valentine's Day. 6 people including the shooter were killed, and 16 others wounded.

And everyone has an opinion. I've had the pleasure of hearing debates on gun control. Whether or not this kind of thing can be prevented. Whether or not the campus security was up to par. Whether people with psychiatric disabilities should be forced to take their medicines.

I want to use this opportunity to tell you all to please be quiet.

Somewhere right now is a mother who's world just came crashing down. A father right now is grieving the little girl that he taught to ride a bike. Somewhere at NIU, a student is learning the hard way whether the urban legend about getting all As for a semester if your roommate dies is true.

Someone woke up this morning without a best friend. Someone woke up this morning without an older brother. There are families, students, teachers that will never know "normal" again. There is a father trying to figure out how his son who was by all accounts a 'good kid' did something so heinous I can't begin to wrap my head around it. Someone just lost the girlfriend they loved with every last bit of their heart.

Somewhere, a person picked up the phone to call a loved one, and instead got news that would change their lives forever. Somewhere someone's world just stopped. Their lives, their world, nothing will ever be the same again.

So please, just for a second. Stop bickering about gun control. Or campus safety. Or psychotropic drugs. Stop using this to justify your position or to further your political agenda. Just for a second, let the people affected put their lives back together a little bit before you use them as an example.

Like I said on another site. I am so thankful all of my loved one's are safe, but my heart is broken for the people who aren't lucky enough to say that.

So just stop.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

It seems like everywhere I turn, there is another mention of someone who has a "friend with benefits". Cosmo has dedicated articles to it, there is an episode of Seinfeld dedicated to it, and it seems to have become the catalyst for a lot of stupid bullshit.

Although any sort of relationship involving sex seems to bring its fair share of drama and irritations, nothing seems quite as complicated as this "friends with benefits" thing that I keep hearing about.

I am going to do what I do best. I'm going to un-complicate this in the form of a nifty list, so you can all get back to humping and stop asking me for advice.

TweekerChick's Guide To Screwing Your Friend, Not Your Friendship:

1. For the idea of "friends with benefits" to actually work the way it should, the two fornicators should ideally be friends in the first place. This might seem obvious, considering its referred to as "Friends with benefits" and not "Some random guy who bought me tequila at the bar with benefits". This implies that you actually enjoy their company with their clothes on. I'll touch on booty calls/fuck buddies in my book (self promotion, woo!), but that's an entirely different set of rules and regulations. Now repeat after me. "If I have a closer relationship with the person who changes my oil than with the person I am about to hump, it is a booty call." See? That wasn't so hard.

2. For the love of GOD, do not fall in love with the person. This is the number one thing that screws the pooch every single bloody time. I think its something with the endorphins released after sex. One minute you're humping her and smacking her ass and the next minute you're thinking of a little house with a white picket fence and 3.2 kids and a dog named Max. Don't do it.
3. Speaking of kids, birth control is your friend. I like to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, but with whats going on in the media, I am going to give you all what I like to call "TweekerChick's Quick Guide On Where Babies and Herpes Come From". Babies come from having sex without using birth control or condoms. Herpes come from having sex without using a condom.

I don't know if people lately missed that chapter in health class in 8th grade, but not all STDs are visible, and a lot of people who are carriers of diseases that can kill you don't show any symptoms. They might not even know they have it. Stop having unprotected sex. Pulling out is not effective birth control. Praying to god for your rag is not effective birth control. Fucking hanging upside down from the ceiling fan on the third day after the seventh sabbath after the new moon is not effective birth control. Do you WANT to be like Britney Spears? DO YOU? I didn't think so. Don't do it. Safe sex. Every time.

4. There is more to this relationship than playing hide the salami. Say that out loud. One more time. Keep in mind: This person is your friend. The goal is to keep that person as your friend while continuing to see them naked when you're horny. The easiest way to do this is to hang out with them like normal as well. If every single time you two are together turns into an orgy of sin, you've already fucked it up.

5. Lay out the ground rules in regards to other people right away. I don't mean that in a "can we have a threesome" kind of way. There needs to be a very open dialog on whether or not you are allowed to schtupp other people. If you ignore this step, you have forfeited your right to be upset when you walk into the frat house to find the football team stuffing your friend like a turkey.

6. If you decide to not have sex with others, that does not in any way imply a relationship. Friends with benefits are most commonly used for that nasty time in between relationships where you need to blow a load but don't want to deal with the constant bitching of another person. When, not if, WHEN your partner finds a new significant other, you do not reserve the right to listen to Hawthorne Heights and write shitty poetry about how she broke your heart.

7. Be discreet. Nothing will bite you in your ass faster than announcing your friends with benefits status. If you want to be able to kick it with this person after they get a new boy/girl friend, I'd strongly suggest shutting your yap. Because I know few people who'd say "Oh sure honey, you go right ahead and go watch movies with the person you were sleeping with before me. I am totally comfortable with you two being alone in the dark, because I trust that you won't have mind blowing sex with them one more time". Even if you really won't cheat, it'll still be a gigantic pain that you have to deal with, all which would've been prevented if you'd have kept your mouth flaps shut.

8. You are not allowed to sabotage what could be a decent new relationship for her just so you can keep your piece of ass. Yea, I know that hurts. However, it hurts a lot less than her foot crushing your testicles when she finds out that you labeled her as a "No Touchie".

9. The "No Touchie Rule" (Essentially calling dibs on a girl to some of your close friends) applies only in your very inner circle. Normally, it is well within your rights to tell your friends, drinking buddies, etc, that they aren't allowed to pursue your girl thing after you broke up. However, this is not your girlfriend. She is your girl friend. There is a difference. The no touchie rule here applies to your roommate, your best friend(s) and potentially your family (immediate only), and that is only to prevent roommate problems and awkward silences at family reunions.

10. Whoever said you can't call the next day most likely never got to tap that ass again. If you normally call her, call her the next day and chat like you normally do. If you don't normally call her, don't you dare touch that phone. The rest of your friendship needs to stay the way it was. If you can't do that, keep it in your pants. It really isn't rocket science.

11. Keep the bragging to yourself. Yes, I know it's some weird male thing that you guys need to let everyone within the current time zone know that you did, in fact, tap that ass. But this is your friend and she deserves a little bit more respect than the sorority girl at the bar with the skirt so short you can see her ovaries.

12. If for some reason the friendship dissolves later, you do not have a green light to be a chode. Yes, sticking it in her roommates ass while yelling "You are so much better than your skanky friend!" and then blowing your load on her pillow would give you a moment of vindication. But one moment of vindication is not worth the end result, which is you never getting pussy ever again once you are out of traction.

13. If you find yourself in a new relationship, immediately let your friend know. Under no circumstances are you to show up with a Heidi Klum look alike out of nowhere and introduce her to the girl you boned last night as "Your new girlfriend". Girls are horribly mean to each other, and once they are done scratching out each others eyes and calling each other fat, they will turn on you. And you will not win.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. The person who said that obviously never incurred the wrath of two of them at once. If you do this, you might as well saw off your penis with your pocket knife, it'll be a lot less painful. Women are dangerously insane, and the sooner you come to realize this, the better. The ones that don't appear to be dangerously insane are the worst of the bunch. Believe this.

14. There will be absolutely no discussion of...mechanical failures, if you will. If Little Elvis didn't come for the show, fine. If she makes some weird noise, fine. Whiskey dick. Fine. Address it at the moment and then be done with it. No talking about it over beers. No sitting over a latte and discussing how your last sneeze lasted longer than he did.

15. Do not even look at that relationship status on Facebook. I am not kidding. They might as well replace "Open Relationship" And "It's Complicated" with "We totally screwed, but one of us is scared to death of commitment, and the other one is holding off for something better. Or is a huge slut." Really, all it does is beg the question, and people will ask.

16. If your best friend is of the opposite sex, they are off limits. If they are the same sex, it's slightly more amusing for people like me, but they are still off limits. This is because very few of these arrangements work out in the long term and there is nothing more soul crushing than losing your best friend because you couldn't think with the head attached to your shoulders.

In my entire life, I know of one person who ever had a "Friends with benefits" relationship with their best friend that didn't back fire. (Dad, if you are reading this, stop right here. Mom, if you are reading this, distract Dad and hide the keys for the gun cabinet).

That person is me. My best friend and I did it like bunnies on X for almost a year. When we both got into a relationship with other people it was hard, but we finally realized that it was stupid of us to ever have sex because fundamentally, we couldn't stand each other (which really is the basis for any good relationship). He's still my best friend to this day, we haven't scrogged in almost 6 years and things have never been better for either of us.

Why am I telling you this? Because I can almost promise that won't happen for you. It only happened this way for us because we were on a lot of drugs at the time. So don't do it, lest your life becomes a shitty episode of Dawson's Creek and your friends hate you because they have to listen to you consistently bitch about it.

17. Knock off that sexual tension bullshit. Put 50 people in a room and I can tell you who had sex with who, and who wants to because most people have really shitty poker faces. If Helen Keller could tell that you were storming the pearly gates with your purple headed devil, you are doing something wrong.

Really guys. I could go on all night with this, but I'm freezing my jigglies off and I'm tired. But now you have some words to live by for when you decide to Windsurf on Mount Baldy with your friend that will hopefully keep them your friend after they realize that you have no idea what you're doing in bed. Happy Humping, you dirty fornicators.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Last night, this morning. Same thing.

This post is a little over due, but that's life.

2008 couldn't come fast enough. 2007 was kind of the "The Year That Sucked Balls For Everyone On The Planet", so most of the free world was eternally excited to give it the kiss off. Even New Years Eve was starting off as a suck fest, the heat in my car broke on the way to the bar, all of my plans fell through and I was about to ring in The New Year in a shitty bar with my half-Asian brother type of person.

About ten minutes until midnight, I turned to Pittman, the half-Asian, and said words I would live to regret.

"Fuck you, 2007 there's nothing you can do to me anymore!". How the bar didn't go up in flames at that point is anyones guess.

I rang in New Years Eve sitting in a dive bar in Elmhurst IL wearing a leopard print tiara while an old guy across the bar licked his lips and stared at my cleavage. Good start, 2008.

Then, a gift from god. I get a text from a guy I know. There's a party, get your ass over here, and how nice for me, it's close to The Red Head I Want To See Naked.

Now, this particular friend. He knows me well enough to know that God hates me and punishes me at every opportunity possible. He also knows that people around me are often collateral damage. And bless his heart, he wants to hang out with me anyway. (Brave or stupid, you be the judge.)

The Half-Asian and I make it to the party where we are greeted by my friend, who in a vast attempt to prove that he is indeed a heterosexual was wearing a plaid shirt and a plaid fedora that don't match (If anyone ever makes a video titled "Two Plaids, One Guy" you know its him).

Drinks are drunk, life is fun, I'm introduced to his friend Matt, and his ex girlfriend who is nicknamed after an aquatic mammal, and is totally ok with this. We decide to go after party somewhere else, the results of which can only be labeled as "entirely my fault for testing God".

So, we all pile into a car and decide to swing by my place to grab a few bottles of wine and my glasses so I can see more than 3 inches in front of my own nose. The thing with driving with a bunch of new people is that you get to learn an awful lot about them.

Some of those things are good to know before getting into a car with them. For example: Matt happens to live next to someone I'd like to hit in the face. That would've been good to know before hand. To be honest, I would've been happier hearing "I use heroin and I am carrying a bag with me right now" than "I live next to douche bag". But whatever.

We are cruising happily along Irving Park Road when my plaid clad friend pulls over to the side of the road. And unless he was getting ready to put the moves on one of us, this was not going to end well. We had run out of gas.

At three in the morning.

On New Years Eve.

I was trapped. In a car. With no gas. With a kid wearing two plaids, a half Asian, an aquatic mammal and the neighbor of a person I hate. Thank you, God. I needed that.

A car pulls up behind us, and despite what I've learned in every single horror movie I have ever seen, the boys get out of the car. It's a short little Asian guy. He says he'll bring gas and be right back. Right. One of two things will come from this: He will come back, abduct us all and take us to some deserted farm and eat us, or he will laugh his skinny ass off as he drives straight home and goes to bed.

If any of you reading this happen to know anyone at Roadside Assistance, I want you to punch them in the gonads. Hard. Go ahead, I'll wait. It was like a game of 20 fucking questions, none of which helped us to get any gas in the car. Meanwhile, The Red Head I Want To See Naked is texting me to come get him, and the police pulled up behind us.

Great. Nothing says Happy New Year like the police. Sergent Dumb ass says he will come back and check on us in fifteen minutes. Nothing.

Then I saw something that simultaneously renewed my faith in humanity and caused me to laugh my ass off. On the other side of Irving Park Road, there was a short little Asian with a gas can, running through traffic like a real life game of Frogger towards us. He gives us enough gas to go to a gas station and refuses to let us pay for it, telling us only to Pay It Forward (which up until now I chalked up to being a big load of hippie bullshit).

So, to sum up New Years In A Few Nifty Bullet Points:
  • Heater in the Car broke, which later turned out to be $1200 bucks in repairs, and I'm lucky it didn't explode and kill me.
  • I didn't get to see the red head naked.
  • I wound up sitting on the side of the road with a half-Asian, the neighbor to my arch-nemesis, an aquatic mammal and a guy who wears two different plaids in public.
Things this has taught me:
  • Make sure John checks the gas gauge BEFORE we leave next time
  • God is not above taking out an entire car full of people, including a minority, to give me the finger
  • It is possible to wear two different plaids and still look sexy
  • The State of Illinois owes everyone in that car a refund for the exact amount of that police officers salary
  • It is possible to pee outside in freezing weather and not wind up stuck to the ground by a stream of pee (the Dolphin taught me this)
  • Don't ever call the police, just keep a short Asian guy on retainer, it's a sure bet.

On a serious note, a huge thank you to Jin. You got us out of a bad situation and renewed my faith in humanity and expected nothing in return. May karma shower you with beautiful naked women clutching hundred dollar bills, or anything else you could possibly want out of life.

To God: Do you feel better now?