Monday, April 14, 2008

Dear Hollywood:

I understand that this is most likely going to be hard for you to understand amid the marijuana smoke and cocaine high. And although I'm sure the fact that most of you are slowly starving to death is just hell on your concentration, I think you can handle it. But for those of you that are already too bitchy without a cigarette, I'll make this fast.

The rate in which you are all popping out children is alarming, to say the least. It occurs to me that you all may not realize that despite what Angelina would have you think, children don't actually come from countries halfway across the globe with names you can't pronounce.

One would assume that this entire Jayme Lynn debacle would have made the majority of you sit back for a moment and think "Self, why did that happen?" and furthermore "Self, how can I keep from having a child that will most likely wind up retarded simply because it shares half of my DNA."

Because y'all have been up to this point completely unable to figure it out, let me help you.

Stop having sex.

For most people I'd suggest using birth control, but since it seems to have completely flown over your heads, I'm going to operate under the assumption that something as complicated as taking a pill everyday or wearing a condom would only confuse you. After all, you're not paid to be smart or talented, just pretty.

Oh, and speaking of pretty, pregnancy makes you fat.

Is there something in the water in LA? Seriously? Because you are the most fertile group of people on the fucking planet. The problem being there are maybe 9 of you that should be reproducing.

I don't necessarily buy the idea that you all need to be married to have children, but at the same time is the idea of birth control completely lost on you? I mean you think birth control will make you gain weight? Try pregnancy.

What bothers me the most is that it's a trend. Where I come from sleeping with someone without protection makes you stupid.

In Short: It's a miracle more of you don't have herpes, for the love of christ stop having sex with each other, and everyone pray. Ashlee Simpson having a child is surely a sign that th e 4 horsemen of the apocalypse will be here shortly.

Love and Kisses


PS. Stop getting tattoos in stupid places.


Bartski said...

How do you know they don't already all have herpes? I say they do. And most of them have AIDS.

Filthy oversexed animals!

trav said...

concur. enthusiastically concur. twice. extend to the rest of the celebri-verse...

as a matter of fact, can we simply cage them and only let them out during a slow news week?