Friday, July 08, 2011

I am currently on a flight from Chicago to San Fransisco.

Because I am terrified of flying, I have decided to give you a play by play of how this flight has gone so far.

12:28 My cab arrives. Early.

12:32 Sweet Indian cab driver convinces me to get in the cab, while watching me chew on Klonopin.

12:38 I call my boss. I'm not entirely sure what I was calling him for, but it was really, really important, and not at all related to the klonopin I've been eating.

12:43 We arrive at the airport, somehow. I giggle because I can't feel my head. I pay the nice cab driver.

12:50 I spend 5 minutes explaining to the sweet lady at the counter that I am not "Mr" anything and they have obviously made a mistake. We get it sorted out.

12:52 I make it through security. In two minutes.

12:53 They pull me aside for a body scan.

12:53 I decline.

12:53 They explain that the radiation isn't bad.

12:54 I explain it's not the radiation I'm worried about, its the chance that a picture will leak out and I'll find what is essentially a naked Xray of my tits on the internet.

12:55 A (kind of cute) Russian TSA lady explains to me how that pat down works.

12:55 The far less attractive now Russian TSA lady takes my Klonopin away.

12:55 I decide she is a bitch.

1:03 The Bitchy TSA lady finally finishes grabbing at my crotch.

1:05 She puts her glove in the machine and something beeps.

1:06 She still refuses to give me my Klonopin.

1:07 I decide that I fucking hate the Russian TSA lady.

1:08 They pull me into a private area where they proceed to grope at my adorable Fredricks bra. Why? Because I'm wearing something that is adorable and looks like a corset. I have huge boobs, it has support, what do you want from me.

1:13 I am finally freed and allowed to put my shirt back on.

1:14 The TSA lady declines to take me to dinner. I resist the urge to tell her that I'm not that type of girl and the least she can do is treat me like a lady.

1:15 I get to my gate, where I realize I tipped my cab driver $23 because Klonopin makes it so I don't know Math.

1:30 We board. I am sitting with a Chinese family. 3 on my left, 2 on my right. I'm the middle seat. Shit.

1:31 I tell her I understand that they are a family but I am TERRIFIED of flying and if you put me beside the window, I will freak out.

1:32 Her child starts reading the emergency card, and asking over and over what happens when we crash.

1:33 I somehow resist the urge to cram that fucking card down his little fucking throat.

1:34 The Chinese family passes 9 different items back and forth across me.

1:35 The little bastard has to pee.

1:35 I get up, pick up my laptop, step aside, and get glared at by the water buffalo that has managed to wedge herself into the seat infront of me.

1:40 The little bastard comes back.

1:59 I order a blue moon with a splash of orange juice.

2:03 I down the blue moon, and chase it with a Klonopin.

2:06 The little bastard has to pee again. I get up move my laptop and beer.

2:07 The manatee in the seat infront of me glares at me again. To which my adult response is a very grown up "Look lady, I'm not happy either."

2:09 The little bastard comes back.

2:11 I realize that I'm so high right now that It's not actually 2, it's 3.

2:14 I finally stop laughing hysterically at this development and realize I'm high as shit, and now have the munchies.

2:15 I try to figure out how to order a goddamn sandwich.

2:19 I give up.


2:20 I tell kid that the plane ran over Santa.

So, that's where we are at so far. I'm 1334 miles from San Fransisco, 35947 feet in the air traveling 475 miles an hour and rocked off my ass.

More later if I dont go careening towards the earth to my death.


JB3 said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. I wish you weren't so miserable, C, cause I feel guilty laughing at your unhappiness. really. I do.

- Jeffery said...

1) I'm sorry you had a lousy time.

2) You turning it into something amusing to read is great.

badgal said...

Claire, why did you stop writing? You have another blog?

badgal said...

Claire, why did you stop writing? You have another blog?