Sunday, November 08, 2009

I am not a nice sick person. I've never been a nice sick person. I'm a "leave me alone" sick person.

I am fine with that.

I am sicker than hell right now. It's put me in a chipper mood to say the least. When I say sick, I don't mean like "oh, Clare has a cold". I mean, I have fluid in my lungs, a fever, and this is the first time in two days I haven't been totally out of it. I've got a cough that can rattle windows, and the sheer amount of steroids I have surging through my system either make me a shoe in if anyone needs a Lou Ferrigno impersonator or if any Major League Baseball teams are hiring.

Today I finally got off the couch, and managed to somehow make it to Walgreen's. It was a quick mission: More soup, some orange juice, a box of Kleenex, and despite my thinking its hippy crap, a vaporizer. I've never been a huge fan of vaporizers. With my lungs, a vaporizer is kind of like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It's not going to do much good, and you look like an idiot. That, and I rank it's medical usage right up there with magic crystals and herbal supplements. Some people swear by them. I prefer my drugs to be prescription grade controlled substances that are quality assured and handed to me by a professional with an incredibly expensive education.

But what the hell, I'm desperate.

So, I'm standing (or doing my best) in line, holding my arsenal of medications and coughing and hacking up a lung. The problem with having even a little fluid in your lung is that it makes an obnoxious rattling noise, and leaves me with a cough that sounds like it belongs to a 400 pound man.

I was waiting for my total, when the most uppity cunt I have ever seen stepped up behind me. She looked me up and down and then started whispering loudly to her husband about how I have no business being out in public with what is obviously the swine flu. She prattled away about how I am the example of everything that's wrong with our world, that people only care about themselves and we are all selfish.

And honestly? I'm just not in the fucking mood to listen to this shit.

I turned to her, and said "Excuse me? In case your wondering, my doctor diagnosed me with pneumonia. Which isn't contagious. Just incredibly uncomfortable. In the 24 years I've seen this particular doctor, he has never once misdiagnosed me. However, you are right people are selfish. And on the off chance that he is mistaken, and I do have the swine flu, I'd like you to be the first I celebrate the occasion with."

At which point I coughed into my hand and proceeded to blow it into her face.

I would be lying if I said that at the moment, I didn't wish I had Ebola.


puzzlehead said...

There are times like these when I think to myself:

"Man, I wish I could fart on command."

Clare said...

You probably could if you ate a burrito.

Dean said...

I love you, and all... But, if someone were to give me that speech and then do what you did, well... I'd probably punch you in the face.

Of course, I wouldn't be the cunt who prattled on about you having swine flu while standing in line at the pharmacy anyway, but you know what I mean.

Clare said...

Hey I was content the way I was, she started it.

Bartski said...

Every time I cough I proclaim to the world that I have swine flu. Same goes for any one else coughing or sneezing.

Nobody seems very amused.

But I hate you all, so that's okay with me.