I am a firm believer that everyone has that one relationship.
The one person that you fell head over heels insanely in love with.
The one that you still miss the way that they smell. The way they look in the morning.
You know, the one who fucked you up irreparably for the rest of your life.
The one that used to be your best friend but ruined it when they ripped the last actual feeling you ever had out. No matter how hard you try you can't seem to get that back.
I've been trying to maintain a friendship with mine. And I'm starting to see now what everyone else has been telling me all along. It's impossible to stay friends with the person who broke your heart. Because eventually they call you all fucked up about someone else, and you can't help but remember when that was you they gave a shit about. And somehow, it becomes impossible to figure out why you're the one they go back to consistently.
Even worse, the day you realize you're on the back burner is usually the day the person decides to tell you they love you again. Nothing says love like giving you just enough rope to hang yourself with.
The worst part is, it's not that you don't get it. You understand that it's just a game. They know what they're doing. You cycle between wanting them to scratch your head and snuggle you to sleep and wanting to rip the head off of their adored stuffed bear with the bowtie from childhood and stuff it in their mailbox.
Your friends are right, you do deserve better. But for whatever reason you can't find someone that makes you feel the way they did. And for that split second when they tell you they love you, just for a second, you're the only person in the entire world.
Some people drown it in drugs. Others drink. Some of us sit up at one in the morning and write emo posts on our blogs and wonder what we did to deserve being an afterthought. We sit up and write word after word after fucking word and hope that the answer pops out at us, when we really know it all along.
How do you break off a friendship you worked so hard for? You know that's the right answer, but somehow you just can't. Because whether you admit it or not, the rare times you hear from them, you still get that little flutter. You get a little bit of satisfaction when they get a little bit jealous.
Write about it. Write write write write write people can relate to it. Then the realization.
I can't write without him around.
I keep telling myself to break it off. For real. For good.
Rip the stitches. Grow a set. Whatever you want to call it.
And every time, without fail, he will tell me something that reminds me why I kept him around in the first place.
So it looks like I'm stuck writing emo blog posts, and wishing he thought of me once or twice. And wishing he wouldn't tell me he loves me anymore.