Saturday, September 08, 2007

I am a firm believer that everyone has that one relationship.
The one person that you fell head over heels insanely in love with.
The one that you still miss the way that they smell. The way they look in the morning.
You know, the one who fucked you up irreparably for the rest of your life.

The one that used to be your best friend but ruined it when they ripped the last actual feeling you ever had out. No matter how hard you try you can't seem to get that back.

I've been trying to maintain a friendship with mine. And I'm starting to see now what everyone else has been telling me all along. It's impossible to stay friends with the person who broke your heart. Because eventually they call you all fucked up about someone else, and you can't help but remember when that was you they gave a shit about. And somehow, it becomes impossible to figure out why you're the one they go back to consistently.

Even worse, the day you realize you're on the back burner is usually the day the person decides to tell you they love you again. Nothing says love like giving you just enough rope to hang yourself with.

The worst part is, it's not that you don't get it. You understand that it's just a game. They know what they're doing. You cycle between wanting them to scratch your head and snuggle you to sleep and wanting to rip the head off of their adored stuffed bear with the bowtie from childhood and stuff it in their mailbox.

Your friends are right, you do deserve better. But for whatever reason you can't find someone that makes you feel the way they did. And for that split second when they tell you they love you, just for a second, you're the only person in the entire world.

Some people drown it in drugs. Others drink. Some of us sit up at one in the morning and write emo posts on our blogs and wonder what we did to deserve being an afterthought. We sit up and write word after word after fucking word and hope that the answer pops out at us, when we really know it all along.

How do you break off a friendship you worked so hard for? You know that's the right answer, but somehow you just can't. Because whether you admit it or not, the rare times you hear from them, you still get that little flutter. You get a little bit of satisfaction when they get a little bit jealous.

Write about it. Write write write write write people can relate to it. Then the realization.
I can't write without him around.

I keep telling myself to break it off. For real. For good.
Rip the stitches. Grow a set. Whatever you want to call it.

And every time, without fail, he will tell me something that reminds me why I kept him around in the first place.

So it looks like I'm stuck writing emo blog posts, and wishing he thought of me once or twice. And wishing he wouldn't tell me he loves me anymore.

8 comments:

GregD said...

Hey gorgeous,

You know I've said this before and I'll say it again. The day that you can make yourself feel the way you say he makes you feel, is the day you'll have this whole thing licked.

Trust me when I say that you ARE worth more than you think....

Chris said...

Isn't this a Dawson's Creek plot...

Rabbit said...

Is this the same chick who's a member of Heartless Bitches International?

Old said...

No wise words, just I'd like to tell you, I'm in the middle of a situation like this. OK, not exactly in the middle :). But near to it.

Sacrifices... Fight. For almost nothing at the end. And stupid words like these. :D

Anonymous said...

i don't know what to tell you other than you're not alone, though i can't relate, i've listened to the same story every time i've ever had a "conversation" with a woman, maybe i'm just the shoulder with no dick, maybe it's because i'm usually too polite to say " get the fuck over yourself and your dreams, and move on with something realistic" but then, when i do they just go on unaffected, looks like your therapy is whining and having people listen, even though you know what you need to do and you're not stupid, you still go on with the asshole, whining about the assholes, ignoring the people who would count themselves lucky to give an honest shit about you. I can't seem to do anything about it but jerk off twice a day, but hey, you're not dead so it's not that depressing, go watch some george carlin and go to school

Anonymous said...

The only true way to get over this jerk is to love yourself more and be happy with you first. Once you say to yourself that you deserve better and will not except or settle for less then you are capable of moving on...Of course if you can find someone who will love you equal or more than theirself and that person is gr8 in and out of bed ...you will 4get this jerk! I look at your Pic and can not imagine any guy not showing you all the love and affection you deserve...You have to let this guy know that when he gets down and out that you will not be there 4 him to use until he can find someone new! Da-- it You Are Wat Better Than That! From your friend...300Chrysler( Tony )

danielle said...

hey so i kinda stumbled across this and i began to read it and it is almost exactally what happened to me. i just kicked him out of my life yesterday for the last time. i had to wait untill he did something dicklike before i could just say bye, but i m glad i grew a pair over the summer and i was able to see past his i love you still's and your my best female friend bullshit... so i guess what i m trying to say is good luck!

Sabrina said...

aye giiiiiiirl, it's tha chick from facebook. AND DAMN, this blog is the kinda shit im feelin right now... good lookin on tha blog.