Wednesday, January 03, 2007

How to be honest and still get laid

A general problem I find when talking with my guy friends is the one of honesty in relationships. Now, don’t get me wrong, the men in my life are smart people. They know for an undisputed fact that honesty in relationships is key to success. They also know that if they are honest, they will never, ever, EVER get laid.
So what is a guy to do? How do you bring up something sensitive while still maintaining a sex life that consists of more than just your right hand?
I consulted a few of my favorite horny bastards and came up with decent solutions to some of your more pressing issues. You can thank me later when the sex is over.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I don’t want to hang out with your girlfriends.
This is a pretty easy one. Tell her that you love spending time with her. Now, lie through your teeth and compliment her friends, especially that one femi-nazi who makes your nuts shrivel and retract. Explain to her that you feel that you monopolize enough of her time and that you think it’s unfair to her that you intrude on her time with her friends. If she argues, smile and thank her for being considerate of your feelings, but you know how much that crazy man hating bitch means to her, and go have fun, you’ll go watch the game with someone.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You have a bushier mustache than I do.
Tread gently here guys. No girl in the world wants to know that you noticed her mustache. This is one topic that’s better not to approach at all, but I don’t know a single guy who is comfortable kissing Burt Reynolds. Sit back and assess how much this means to you. Then get off your ass and high tail it to the nearest spa. Buy her a gift certificate for a facial and find the person who is going to do it. Explain to her how beautiful you think your girlfriend is, but you want to spare her feelings, and if she could kindly suggest it to her. Then pay extra and bribe the aesthetician into pretending it comes with the facial.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You left your toothbrush here, I know you did it on purpose, I don’t want to marry you and commitment scares the shit out of me.
Good one, Corky. She’s moving her shit in. One piece at a time. Unless you want this to get ugly quick, you need to get her shit out of there before she takes over half your closet, your bathroom, and she starts bringing in things like throw pillows and towels that are only there to be pretty. When you’re done vomiting from the sheer panic of your situation, mope around for awhile. Act like something is really tearing you up inside. She will eventually ask what’s wrong. Tell her that you need to talk to her.
Now is the time where you conjure up images of your pet turtle named Binky who was murdered horribly by a bird. Tear up a little bit. Tell her that you don’t know how to tell her this and you don’t want her to be upset, but the reason you love her is because every time you see her you get butterflies in your stomach. That the world feels like it stops for a minute. And that you noticed she left her shit there, and you’re scared that if she starts moving her stuff in, it will take away from that feeling. Then put that shit back in her purse, and explain to her that you never ever want to get used to her so that feeling never ever goes away.
Then wander around scratching your ass and drinking beer in your underwear, as you have now reclaimed your castle.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re getting fat.
This is one you’ll have to suck up. Honestly, suggesting that she try Slim-Fast because it’s “really good” isn’t gonna cut it. This time, you’re going to have to bite the bullet. Even if you’re built like Adonis, you should pat your beer belly and tell her that you are very self conscious that you’re getting fat. Tell her that you signed up for a gym and you want her to go with you because you need the support.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: You’re a fucking bitch.
Chances are, if she’s being a bitch, she doesn’t want to hear it from you. The minute you open your mouth with that phrase, you can count on the fact that you’re not getting your dick wet. Run her a bath, book her a massage, something. Then tell her that you did that for her because she’s seemed really stressed out lately and you think that she needs some alone time to relax. Then book it the hell out of there and hide at the strip club.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: Yes, I think that actress is far hotter than you will ever be.
She knows the answer to this question. This is a test, and your stupid ass is going to fail. The right answer is not “No baby, you are far hotter than Angelina Jolie”. Because that’s a dirty lie. Angelina Jolie is proof that god is just and loves us. I’m a girl, and I’d fuck Angelina Jolie.
That being said, the answer to this is simple. You concede the fact that Angelina Jolie is, in fact, the hottest creature to roam the planet. And then tell her that you really prefer your women to be something that she is not. A few examples:
“I can see why people think Kate Moss is pretty, but I prefer that my girlfriend eats once in awhile”.
“Yea, Pam Anderson is pretty, but I think natural girls are beautiful”.
Then take a mental note of whatever you’re watching so you can jerk off to it later.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I want to have a threesome with you and your best friend/my best friend/that hot chick at work/that girl down the street.
Tough one. I understand that threesomes are something that most guys dream of, however I am a female and I’ve been approached on this subject numerous times by my past boyfriend. Our conversation usually went something like this:
Him: Hey Clare, want to have a three some with someone infinitely hotter than you will ever be?
Me: No.
Him: You’re a bitch.

The problem with most threesomes is this tendency of men to want to have them with attractive members of the opposite sex. Most of the time, very attractive members of the opposite sex. This in turn creates some sort of cognitive dissonance for your girlfriend. If she has dark hair, dark eyes and a huge ass, and you want a threesome with someone who looks like Pamela Anderson, your girlfriend is going to feel unattractive. I know I did. This request carries serious implications of “you’re not good enough”. The best way to suggest this is to watch a movie that has a reference to a threesome in it. Bring it up then and tell her that you think it could be a lot of fun for both of you. Understand her hesitation, and respect her feelings on this one. Make this about her, and stress the fact that you think she will enjoy it. And keep holding your breath, Fabio, because it probably isn’t going to happen.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I know you had a bad day, and I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear every inane detail about it.
This is a common one I hear from just about every guy I talk to . Their girlfriend has a bad day, and they are subject to listening to every single detail about it. This one, I am eternally guilty of. I can’t help it. When I’m really upset, I just start babbling about every aspect of the interaction, down to the type of shoes the bitch who pissed me off was wearing. The entire time I ‘m pissing and moaning, I am more than well aware that he doesn’t care.

Being told that my significant other doesn’t want to hear about it is simply not an option. This is not a good time to tell her that you don’t want to hear about it. Let her vent for a good few minutes. You’re a big boy, you have the attention span that lasts longer than three minutes. If you don’t, try Ritalin, it works. After that three minutes, she will eventually stop her bitching to take a breath (even on bad days, she has to breathe). You need to pay attention and look for it, because if you miss your opportunity you’re stuck. When she takes a pause that is your time to shine. Wrap your arms around her waist, kiss her once right on the lips, and say “Baby/ Sweetheart/SugarTits, I’m sorry you had a bad day. But you’re home with me now, and that’s all that matters. Don’t let that stupid bitch* ruin our night. Come on”. Then take her to do what you originally planned.

* The stupid bitch line only applies if the person who has enraged your girlfriend is not her mother, sister or best friend.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: Brush your teeth before I vomit.
This is a tough one. On one hand, if you know she needs to brush her teeth, you’re already in a delicate situation. On the other hand, no one wants to make out with someone that tastes like left over garlic chicken. I had an ex who used to love to taste like stale beer and cigarettes, and I’d rather take a punch in the box than kiss that. So what do you do?

This is another one of the many times in your relationship that you need to nut up and accept full responsibility for something that is in no way, shape or form your fault. Pull away from her, try to act embarrassed if you can. Tell her that you’re so sorry to ruin the moment, but you had garlic/onions/something stinky for lunch and it’s making you uncomfortable and you want to go brush your teeth. Most girls will think “I had stinky stuff too, maybe I should do the same”.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I want to poke you in the butt.
This is an easy one. I tackled this one with a friend of mine awhile ago, and he said the results were brilliant. While you’re sitting with your girl, tell her that you read an article about anal sex. Run down the details of this article and tell her the truth. The orgasms from anal sex are supposed to be far more intense than the orgasms from regular sex. Tell her that nothing would make you happier than watching her get off that hard. If you want extra credit, actually find an article that substantiates your claim and read it with her. Make sure that it isn’t this article, and be sure that it’s from a women friendly website. (A women friendly website is one that doesn’t feature girls with huge boobs doing strange things to animals, in case you needed that cleared up). Suggest you try it. She’ll say no. Automatically. Tell her you understand, but you promise you’ll be gentle, and if she doesn’t like it, you’ll never try it again.

The problem here being, if she actually lets you do it, you can’t just slam it in her butt unless you want her to have a surprised look on her face for the rest of her natural life. You actually have to do what you said you were going to do this time.

What you’re too much of a pussy to say: I am exhausted, and this will never happen again, but I am too tired to have sex please leave me alone.
It would figure. The one time you really don’t want to have sex is the one time she’s all fired up and ready to hop on and ride you like a Harley on a bad patch of road. This will never happen again, until the next time you are too tired to have sex. So realize what you are doing. Now is the time to be honest. Tell her that you love her. That she is your world. All of that shit. And then tell her the truth. You are exhausted and feeling very vulnerable and right now what you’d really like is to just snuggle for awhile. She will be touched that you were so candid with feelings that are considered traditionally taboo for men to discuss, and she’ll most likely stop trying to get on your jock. The key to this is honesty, while still maintaining physical contact with her. If you push her away completely, you’re not going to get laid for awhile. Kiss her, wrap your arm around her and try to manage your best content smile when you snuggle beside her.


All you need for a successful relationship is open lines of communication. Provided you lie through your teeth and tell her the truth in a way that will ensure Little Elvis gets paid some attention. Before I get flooded with email about condoning lying to your girlfriend…that’s not what this is about. There is a stark difference between lying for the sake of lying, and presenting relevant information in a way that won’t hurt someone’s feelings. One is a lie, the other one is the key to successful human interaction. This is about being honest with your partner without calling her a fat bitch with horrible friends and a mustache.

10 comments:

Davz said...

Very funny but most of all USEFUL ! thx a lot

Debra said...

haha I am laughing so hard at the "poke her in the butt" bit!

In my case it's more like get me very drunk, very naked, very horny and sooner or later I'll start making all sorts of demands.

This is coming from the girl who's general rule is "Excuse me! You're not putting that there!"

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha! I finished reading this 30 minutes ago and I am still laughing my ass off... seriously, I am.

Snodgrass said...

After wasting part of my day reading emails instead of doing real work, I stumbled upon your "50 mistakes" and appreciate the sheer awesomeness of you understanding of the male psyche. Are you sure you're not a dude? If so, I would like enter my marriage proposal. Fuck it, if you are a dude, I'll marry you anyway for said awesomeness.

Anonymous said...

This is a repeat of what was posted on December 12, 2006. Regardless, it's still good.

Anonymous said...

Or you cna pass up being honest and go the direct route:

escort.

Classy lady who can negotiate a price for sexual services. And she's clean.

JustSumDude said...

This post was missing something random and pointless... so I am leaving this comment to rectify the situation.



Tee-hee... "rectify." That makes me think of something else, that something else being baby seals, of course.

In case you didn't know... they taste better when you club them yourself. It's true!

Anonymous said...

Lots of good advice here, and you'll find that as you get older, you will be more able to say what you want to say, say it in a smart way that won't get you kicked in the balls, and say it in a way that makes her feel happy and secure, which is more often than not what she wants. This is one very good reason younger women like older guys. ;)

Anonymous said...

Jesus motherf**king Christ. I have never....EVER...EVEEEEEEEER read such crap in my entire life. Trying to persuade people to lie in their relationships, that's the way forward? What the fuck, did your daddy beat you when you were a little kid? Or did your brother, heck, maybe your daddy and your brother rape you every Wednesday night after the news? Miserable cows like yourself need not give out such misinformation.

Thanks for listening. ;)

Anonymous said...

Jesus motherf**king Christ. I have never....EVER...EVEEEEEEEER read such crap in my entire life. Trying to persuade people to lie in their relationships, that's the way forward? What the fuck, did your daddy beat you when you were a little kid? Or did your brother, heck, maybe your daddy and your brother rape you every Wednesday night after the news? Miserable cows like yourself need not give out such misinformation.

Thanks for listening. ;)