Old relationships suck.
My ex boyfriends don't know the rules, apparently.
There is an unspoken rule. I date you.
You fuck me over.
We break up.
You disappear off of the face of the earth, or go die or something.
I didn't think it was a difficult concept.
So if you are an ex of mine, and have somehow progressed from books with lots of pictures to reading my blog, here's my advice.
1. Stop reading my blog. It's not good for either of us. Eventually, I am going to make a shitty comment about you, most likely regarding the size of your penis, less than stellar ability in the bedroom, or the fact that you have the IQ that rivals only that of Corky on Life Goes On, and honestly I don't want to hear you bitch and moan about it.
2. Stop hanging out with our mutual friends. They like me more. I promise. Yes. Even your best friend. He told me himself.
3. Stop calling me. I'm quickly running out of good excuses to not talk to you and eventually I'm going to have to settle with the truth. The truth being that I'd rather cram steel wool up my twat and run around the block than have to talk to you. If you had something to say you should've said it while we were together.
4. If you see me, keep walking. I can do without that awkward "How are you doing" conversation. I know you don't care, which is a good thing because I don't care either.
5. If for some reason we are within 2 feet of each other, which I will try like hell to avoid, don't even think of touching me. Don't touch my hips, my wrists, anything. Not even a hug, and god forbid you raise a hand to me in anger. You will be killed. Don't touch me. Not even a high five. I will take it as a physical threat, and my boyfriend will proceed to hit you so hard you'll be smiling out of your ass.
6. You can't fix things. Please don't try, you will only embarrass yourself and make me look like more of a bitch.
7. You will not get your black t-shirt/bottle of rum/stuffed bear you can't sleep without back. If it was so important you shouldn't have left it at my apartment.
8. Finally. Just go away. It would make life way easier for all parties involved. You won't look like an ass, and I can have fun without worrying about running in to your sorry behind.