Thursday, June 16, 2011

Another professional athlete has come out and made a statement (and what is quite honestly a really poorly produced commercial) about gays and their right to marry. He is of the impression that gays shouldn't be allowed to marry because of the opinion of an influential minority. Coming from a black professional athlete I think we should listen to him.

Hear me out before you start sending me emails about how gay people deserve the same rights as the rest of us. Professional athletes and famous rappers disagree. Who am I to argue? I've read that website that details the gay agenda, I am on to you sneaky homosexuals.

Most people are going to dismiss this man as just another homophobe who doesn't have a clue what he's taking about. This is categorically untrue.

For starters, this man is an American hero. During a foot ball game he caught a ball, causing the other team to lose. Clearly he should be given the same respect as our war veterans for this phenomenal feat of athleticism. He caught a ball people. Keep that in mind when you address him.

The rest of you are going to say he clearly knows nothing of homosexual relationships. This is also untrue. Every...many...of the days this brave, respectable man willingly chose to shower in front of other big, muscular men before proudly wearing an outfit made entirely of spandex in flamboyant colors usually only seen in cereal commercials or at pride rallies. Furthermore this man wore that outfit proudly, despite the fact that it had knee pads sewn in.

It's in this outfit that this hero to our country would train hours on end to ensure that he was the best at handling gigantic balls. It's during this training that he would be tackled to the ground by other men, also wearing bright colors and knee pads. If he did an exceptionally good job he was treated to a firm slap on the bottom by any number of grown men.

He would then retire to the locker room to once again shower with other men and get his sore, aching muscles massaged by someone with nice strong hands.

That, my dear readers, is why we need to listen to this man and what he has to say about gay marriage. If this man wants to speak about whether they have the right to marry he should be allowed to, as he clearly has been an active member of the gay community for some time now.

I for one will not sit here and tell an American hero and obviously homosexual man that his opinion on gay marriage isn't valid. Will you?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I've been sick lately. Nothing I'm not used to...a little bit of bronchitis here, a few asthma issues there. It's the same routine every time: I wheeze, the doctor puts me on steroids and in a few weeks I'm back in top shape.

The problem is what happens in those few weeks. Steroids do not bring out my best qualities. In fact, they tend to highlight one of my worst. Something about steroids turns me from the quirky-crazy fun chick into my real self.

It turns out my real self is dangerously insane.

I think the worst part about this insanity is that it manifests itself through tears, usually about shit I absolutely don't care about. I figure it's only a matter of time before they lock me away, so I figure I'd give you readers a list of the things I've cried over in the past week.

Things I've cried over in the past week (aka: Why I Will Die Alone)
  • I miss my dog.
  • I need new sheets, but I can't find the particular color of green that I need and consequently my entire apartment looks like someone's college dorm.
  • My Wii ate the save point from the game of Super Mario Brothers 3 I was playing, and I have to start over.
  • The space bar on my personal laptop has started sticking for some reason I can't understand, and now the entire computer is ruined and I have to get a new one.
  • My favorite people at work are unhappy, and for a good reason.
  • I required Cheez Its to get through some of my side projects, but the only thing I had in my cabinet were Cheese Nips. No, they are not the same thing, how dare you even ask that?
  • Every time I tried to play Assassin's Creed Brotherhood Multi player I would get booted from the host. Now I will never get to level 50 and no one will ever take me seriously because my characters don't have all three of the extra colors for the costumes that don't actually do anything.
  • My friend was going to see me today, and I haven't heard from him yet, thus he obviously doesn't care about me at all despite being a busy guy with a lot going on and his world somehow not revolving around the greatness that is me.
  • When my dog went to get her haircut, another Pomeranian named Toby was running around and barking and no one was stopping him. My Pom is going to learn bad habits. Toby's Dad had to come get him and his haircut had to be postponed.
  • One of my friends needed another friends number. Because obviously they are all hanging out without me because they secretly hate me. (And at this point, can you really blame them?)
  • Penguins of Madagascar is never, ever on TV when I am home. Which is unacceptable because it's the greatest show ever. The people who don't air more episodes are assholes.
  • Chris refused to get me Jack In The Box. I also didn't ask Chris to get me Jack in the Box, Chris lives over 2000 miles away, and Chris had no idea any of this was going on. However, that doesn't get me a spicy chicken sandwich.
  • My ex boyfriend is in Chicago and he didn't ask me, and he should have because obviously I am in charge of everything.
  • Someone drank my diet coke out of the fridge at work. Which they did on purpose. Just to hurt me.

The list is far from complete, but I think it's a good enough example of why I will almost definitely die alone in a house full of old newspaper and cats.

Add that to the list.