Tuesday, January 01, 2008

This entire weekend was insane. Even by my standards, which is actually quite the accomplishment, as I consider a relaxed weekend one in which I don't have to bail someone I know out of jail.

It started on Friday when I agreed to go to Soundbar with one of my favorite people. He was originally going to go with this guy who looks kind of like Harry Connick Jr, but he bailed so I decided to be a good friend and go along. So I did what every girl does when they know they are going out .I got a pushup bra and a shirt whose neckline ended somewhere around my bellybutton.

I live in the hood, which is German for "absolutely retarded about parking". If you don't have a pass or guest pass, your car will be towed.

My friend finally showed up, and pulled up for a few minutes while I was finishing making myself look like a whore. By the time we got back out to his car, Corky and Friends were already in the process of towing it.

So I did what any girl in that situation would do. I pushed out my tits, grabbed a wad of cash, and asked them if there was anything I could do to make them change their minds.

"No"

Then I tried the responsible route. I actually took responsibility, and asked if I could pay the tow fee right there, instead of having to go all the way out to Guam, or wherever the fuck they tow things to.

"No"

Although anyone who has ever dated me will disagree, I am a reasonable person, but that was about it for me. I lost my mind. I stood in the middle of a slush filled parking lot, in the snow, in a tanktop with no coat and my tits hanging out, and started screaming at a tow truck driver. (If there is a competition for the White Trash Queen, I do believe this earns me a nomination).

I asked him how the hell he could sleep at night, knowing that it's his job to steal people's vehicles and charge them for it.

Then this man made the biggest mistake of his life. He looked at me and said "Miss, I understand that you're upset but...".

"But nothing. You think I'm bitchy now? If you knew me you'd know this is the tip of the iceberg to how bitchy I can be. I will make you cry. Thankyou for fucking up my night." And then I got my fat ass into my car to follow them to the tow place, while my friend pretended that he didn't know me.

The guy, who I will continue to affectionately call "Corky", lumbers back to the truck, whispering to his friend about me.

They start to pull away, drive a quarter of the way through the lot, and stopped. Corky gets out of the truck, and starts wandering to my car. So I got out, and started walking to him.

He looks at me and asks me if I was serious about being a bitch. Now, you have to be kidding me.I just finished verbally berating this guy to his face, and he wanted to know if I was serious?

"Yes, and I assumed you would've figured that out when I was yelling at you, you dumb piece of shit. Next time I'll use smaller words".

"So you really think you'd make me cry?"

"I know I would". The assumption being that I was about to get into a physical altercation with a mentally handicapped tow truck driver while I was dressed like a cheap whore.

I swear to god, the next part is 100% absolutely the God's honest truth.

He looked at me and said "I don't know how to approach this, but uh...do you really think you could make me cry? Is there any way I can get your number so we can arrange that, I think I'd like it."

Ladies and Gentlemen,the tow truck driver tried to get my phone number so he could let me verbally abuse him. You just can't make this shit up.

What do you say to that?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! What a great way to start out the new year!!! Maybe you have a new career path opening up if the writer thing goes to shit... A verbal dominatrix.

From there - who knows where you could end up. Hopefully the rest of the night went better and your pushup bra & tits made all the guys near you happy. Of course with all the blood rushing from their heads heading south, they may just have passed out.

left nut decending said...

no no no no what tweekerchick needs to do is tell us what happened new years eve and day and not what happened a few days before .. truth be told . tsk tsk

Anonymous said...

you should have kicked him in the balls and made him cry

Fuse said...

"He was originally going to go with this guy who looks kind of like Harry Connick Jr, but he bailed"

I was hoping I'd make into your blog in the story of "50 mistakes men don't make in bed"... This will have to do for now.