I have returned!! I apologize for my long absence...My computer was attacked by 4 trojan horses, 3 viruses, spy ware, ad ware, and a partridge in a pear tree. And, as we can tell by the December 19th post, it was also attacked by a small child who's babysitter was off smoking crack and screwing the mailman instead of watching them. The little sonofabitch found my password and user name, and proceeded to tell all of my blog fans that I'm a big fat lesbian who likes girls. Well, that would be the definition of a lesbian, now wouldn't it.
A piece of advice. If you are going to go into all the trouble to sneak into my blog and post...Spell my goddamn name correctly, and for the love of god, come up with something more intelligent than telling the world that I'm an easy lesbian. Come on, now. I expect more from my readers, and more from people who don't like me enough to break into my blog.
On that note, if you ever dick around in my blog again, whoever you are, I will hunt you down, mount your head on my wall, and charge thousands worth of porn onto your credit card. Moving on.
I hope all y'all had a great Christmas...I didn't get everything on my list.
My list looked something like this:
New fuzzy sweater
Dodge Viper
Chris naked in my bed
$5000 in cash
Chris naked on my couch
A new computer
Chris naked in my kitchen...living room....
They said something about me being impossible.

I also got to visit my grandmother at the nursing home. It was a rough time, this is her first holiday season in the nursing home. The residents all have a little tab attached to them and to their wheelchairs which buzz when they are getting up, to alert staff. When I found Grandma she was wheeling herself around, yanking them so they would go off, and wheeling herself away. After doing this for about an hour (I was helping, it is just rude to let a cute little old lady wheel herself around), we began the race back to her room. We turned the corner, pulling tabs off of old people as we raced through to her room. We slowed down, only to notice in the room across from hers there were two elderly people.
Fucking like bunnies.
A few thoughts crossed my mind.
Which were: that's nasty....damn...I wonder how they got there...no wonder grandma is so happy here.
All grandma said was "Wheeeeeeeee!"
Man, when I get old, I want to go to that nursing home.
At least I'll be getting some.

I know its been awhile.

First off, it's about time this country removed it's head from it's own ass.

My heterolifemate got hit on by one of these guys. You know they have to be cool, they opened up for Aerosmith.

On to other things...
The Christmas season puts me in pretty bitchy moods, I'll be the first to admit it. But I think the magazines I read are ganging up on me as well. According to some of those little tests I took, I'm an unhealthy risk taker, and I'm letting myself go.
Letting myself go?
I about puked.
The problems with my life were rolled into one nice little package at that moment.
It's not because I get paid $6.11 an hour to get the shit kicked out of me.
It's not because my heat doesn't work half the time.
It's not because my best friend is a huge chode.
It's simply because I pull my hair into a pony tail, slap on some eyeliner and a metal T-shirt and run out the door.
Yup. All of my problems are simply because lately I don't have time to spend 3 hours on my hair, 4 at the gym, and 30 minutes a day getting skin cancer.
The reason my life is falling apart is because my nails are chipped, I've got 20 extra pounds, and I haven't had an eyebrow wax. It has nothing to do with my job, education, attitude or anything else important.
The only thing that it could possibly affect is the fact that I don't have a boyfriend.
And if you don't love me in my unkempt glory....in my Jagermeister Music Tour shirt, ripped jeans, pony tail, smudgy eyeliner chubby glory, you don't love me at all.
Letting myself go, my ass.

It's been one of those days.
Already.
You ever feel like there is no way in hell you can ever compete with your siblings?
That is what Christmas is in my family.
My sister bought my parents a DVD player.
Her advice?
"Buy them some DVD's."
No shit. Because, I'm going to look like the model daughter, seeing as you bought them something really fucking expensive, and I bought them some goddamn DVD's. They'd probably cut me out of the fucking will.
Jesus Christ. So now I have to find a way to top this. And I will.
I think we should turn holidays in my family into a fucked up kind of Olympics. The events could be things like:
"Inappropriate comment hurling" "Ass kissing finals" "Uninterrupted Nagging Competition" and my all time favorite "5 foot dash to the liquor cabinet".
This is why I need a boyfriend. Simply so I have someone to brave the insanity with.
Any takers?

I've said it before, and I shall say it again. Chris is the shit. The new layout? All him. So send me your thoughts and comments about how wonderful it is. And I'm not just saying that because I want to get him in the sack.

God thinks I'm fucking hilarious. The one class I thought I got a B in I got an A in. The one class I thought I got an A in I got a B in, forcing me to wake up at the ass crack of dawn in order to take an open book and optional final exam.
Thank Jesus for teachers who love me.
Unless there are anymore nasty little suprises, I'll be back at Augustana come next term.
Beware, I'm frisky lately. I can't wait to get back and start bothering all the people that I normally do.
And you thought it would be easier to get rid of me.
More later, I'm up to my ass in shit I need to do.

I have some sad news for my blog fans.
George Clinton was arrested for possession of cocaine.
I had to be the one to break the horrible news to my heterolifemate.
It went something like this.

TheTweekerChick: I know this news will be hard for you. I was shocked and dismayed as well. Please try not to cry too hard. Its shocking, shocking news.
HLM: :'(but I professed my love of dick for him
TheTweekerChick: I know.
TheTweekerChick: we've all been let down by someone we love.
HLM: I'm so sad
TheTweekerChick: Better that I told you than by you hearing it from someone else.
HLM: sniff sniff
HLM: no pun intended.

that's my heterolifemate, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is she cute with a nice rack, she's funny, too.

Just when I thought you people were normal.
I was digging around, searching for places my blog has popped up (it's rather amusing) and I decided to share with you some of my favorites.
You can find my blog when searching for
"Looking For Sugar Daddy"
"Hot Skater Bitches"
"Cheerleading Video You Can See Without Buying"
"What To Do About Forehead Lumps"
"Shirtless and Stoned"
"Sick Bitch Revenge"
"unconscious Drunk Chicks"
"What It's Like In prison"
and my all time favorite "Want To Eat A Fat Bitch".
Just when I thought I could honestly say "Hey, my readers are normal people". I also get a lot of mail asking if I want to see the Paris Hilton Video. I'd like to direct all of your eyes to the right toolbar and kindly remind you that your favorite TweekerChick was one of the first to post it. I have seen it, more than I'd care to admit. So stop spamming me.
I'm sick with the plague. I'll cough on you.

I blame Chris.
I really do. The strep/mono fairy went directly from his apartment to the hospital, where it picked up bronchitis, inner and middle ear infections, sinus infections, and a fever, and then proceeded to take advantage of me while I was sleeping innocently in my bed. Not only that, it ate all of my food, cleared out my bank account and left.
It even left the seat up.
And sadly, I don't have my normal boys here to take care of me.
Meaning if you are male, and reading this, you are nominated.
Get over here. I'm on steroids. I'm sick. I'm hungry and thirsty and cold and horny and moody and I WANT YOU TO FIX IT RIGHT NOW!
More later. Steroid time.