Tuesday, July 12, 2011

So, it has not been a relaxing vacation.

I've been pulling a ridiculous work schedule trying to become rich as hell and more famous than Jesus, and eventually you wind up burning out.

So I figure, what the hell. Go to California, see my favorite boy and his roommate who looks kind of like a red headed Jesus, if Jesus was totally awesome.

If you've read my twitter, you'd know things did not turn out well.

In typical Clare fashion, they exploded less than 15 minutes after I touched down in San Fransisco.

This, dear readers, is a record for even me.

So I'm blogging this from first class on my way home, trying not to cry. Speaking of, where the hell is that flight attendant? I'm fucking out of wine.

I am not about to air my dirty laundry all over the internet, but I'll give the broad strokes.

I fly 2000 miles from home to find out I've been lied to, and then the person who did it proceeds to ignore me almost the entire rest of the trip. I can't entirely blame him for this. I know, how could this possibly be my fault, as I am an even tempered angel?

Well let me tell you.

After he admitted he was a lying sack of shit on the car ride, I got quiet. Not the silent treatment, but I wanted to be very careful of what I said next, as I have a tendency to say what I mean when I'm upset, and usually it's soul crushing and horrible. (I know, shocking right?)

He says "Youre quiet again."
I respond with "I'm thinking."
He says "Want to think outloud?"
I respond with "I don't think you want me to".

We ride in silence for awhile, and my brand new phone keeps sliding off my knee. In a show of testicular fortitude I didn't know he could possess with what are essentially no balls he says "maybe that's not the most secure place for your phone".

I'm not entirely sure what got into me at that point.

I looked at him and witout breaking eye contact proceeded to throw my $500 smart phone at his windsheild during rush hour traffic and then said in a very soft, very calm voice "Better?"

So you can't really blame him for avoiding me.

The trip was somewhat salvageable. I did spend quite a bit of time with his best friend/roommate, who is a pretty awesome dude. Either that, or he is owed something huge for babysitting me the entire weekend while his friend hid in his room from me.

I just need a vacation. I need to relax. I need to have fun.

However, I did learn a very important lesson. I sent 3 text messages from my phone in that car ride, and less than 45 minutes later I had no less than 8 places to stay 2000 miles from home, and 3 offers from people to fly me back immediately. I have the greatest friends any snarky blogger could ever ask for. There aren't any words for how grateful I am to those people. Namely Eric and Buffy, O'Leary and Wyly, Wil, Vanessa, Irene, Shane and Con, Travis, Jessica, Spring and Mary. I love you all.

There is a far bigger problem with this situation though.

His roommate, who really, I owe more than just cookies, got me hooked on 3 new TV shows. (Ok they aren't all new but they are new to me). Like I have enough time for this.

It's like his revenge for putting up with me all weekend.

So, thanks all for the concern. Ill be alright, I'm chilling in First Class on a Virgin flight, ready to go home and bury myself in work and every X files episode ever made. (Thanks Nick, thanks a lot.)

Friday, July 08, 2011

I am currently on a flight from Chicago to San Fransisco.

Because I am terrified of flying, I have decided to give you a play by play of how this flight has gone so far.

12:28 My cab arrives. Early.

12:32 Sweet Indian cab driver convinces me to get in the cab, while watching me chew on Klonopin.

12:38 I call my boss. I'm not entirely sure what I was calling him for, but it was really, really important, and not at all related to the klonopin I've been eating.

12:43 We arrive at the airport, somehow. I giggle because I can't feel my head. I pay the nice cab driver.

12:50 I spend 5 minutes explaining to the sweet lady at the counter that I am not "Mr" anything and they have obviously made a mistake. We get it sorted out.

12:52 I make it through security. In two minutes.

12:53 They pull me aside for a body scan.

12:53 I decline.

12:53 They explain that the radiation isn't bad.

12:54 I explain it's not the radiation I'm worried about, its the chance that a picture will leak out and I'll find what is essentially a naked Xray of my tits on the internet.

12:55 A (kind of cute) Russian TSA lady explains to me how that pat down works.

12:55 The far less attractive now Russian TSA lady takes my Klonopin away.

12:55 I decide she is a bitch.

1:03 The Bitchy TSA lady finally finishes grabbing at my crotch.

1:05 She puts her glove in the machine and something beeps.

1:06 She still refuses to give me my Klonopin.

1:07 I decide that I fucking hate the Russian TSA lady.

1:08 They pull me into a private area where they proceed to grope at my adorable Fredricks bra. Why? Because I'm wearing something that is adorable and looks like a corset. I have huge boobs, it has support, what do you want from me.

1:13 I am finally freed and allowed to put my shirt back on.

1:14 The TSA lady declines to take me to dinner. I resist the urge to tell her that I'm not that type of girl and the least she can do is treat me like a lady.

1:15 I get to my gate, where I realize I tipped my cab driver $23 because Klonopin makes it so I don't know Math.

1:30 We board. I am sitting with a Chinese family. 3 on my left, 2 on my right. I'm the middle seat. Shit.

1:31 I tell her I understand that they are a family but I am TERRIFIED of flying and if you put me beside the window, I will freak out.

1:32 Her child starts reading the emergency card, and asking over and over what happens when we crash.

1:33 I somehow resist the urge to cram that fucking card down his little fucking throat.

1:34 The Chinese family passes 9 different items back and forth across me.

1:35 The little bastard has to pee.

1:35 I get up, pick up my laptop, step aside, and get glared at by the water buffalo that has managed to wedge herself into the seat infront of me.

1:40 The little bastard comes back.

1:59 I order a blue moon with a splash of orange juice.

2:03 I down the blue moon, and chase it with a Klonopin.

2:06 The little bastard has to pee again. I get up move my laptop and beer.

2:07 The manatee in the seat infront of me glares at me again. To which my adult response is a very grown up "Look lady, I'm not happy either."

2:09 The little bastard comes back.

2:11 I realize that I'm so high right now that It's not actually 2, it's 3.

2:14 I finally stop laughing hysterically at this development and realize I'm high as shit, and now have the munchies.

2:15 I try to figure out how to order a goddamn sandwich.

2:19 I give up.


2:20 I tell kid that the plane ran over Santa.

So, that's where we are at so far. I'm 1334 miles from San Fransisco, 35947 feet in the air traveling 475 miles an hour and rocked off my ass.

More later if I dont go careening towards the earth to my death.