So after some tireless research* I came up with the mix of shows every network is using this fall for it's lineup.
*A highly scientific study done while I was stranded on the couch for a week with pneumonia and nothing better to do.
1. Some person somewhere has some sort of abnormality or special ability. Will this person who lives a normal life just like the rest of us despite being leaps and bounds more beautiful than any of us manage to overcome the fact that they're different and use their ability for good? Or will they slip in to evil? This show tends to be punctuated by the phrase "I'm not normal!" or "I just want to be normal!". Which tends to be enough for normal people to want to reach through the television set and strangle them.
2. An elite team of forensic scientists/investigators/detectives/hyper observant people solve crimes that puzzle the FBI/CIA/local cops in less than an hour, with time for the foregin/exotic looking team member to rebuke the frat boy team member much to the joy of the nerdy computer geek team member in a way that makes the tough yet lovable team leader smile warmly instead of telling them to get the fuck back to work.
3. A bunch of gorgeous women will spend an hour of your time sitting around drinking expensive coffee, and chatting about relationship issues that no one actually has. The premise for this show is simple and foolproof. Take The View, make the actors more attractive, and in between bitching and moaning about things no one cares about, throw in a steamy love affair with the gardener, so the normal women all over America who live in a huge house in Suburbia and sleep with their gardeners can relate. All one of them. Apparently the pilot for the more realistic show of "single women who live in shitty apartments and make bad decisions after drinking" was axed by the network.
4. A team of psychics will cavort around in the dark, informing all of America about their Solar Plexus, and overreacting when they hear static over a radio. The real excitement comes when one of them looks at the thermometer and notices...THE TEMPERATURE HAS DROPPED. This is must see TV, people. It's not every day you get to see someone in flowy netural colored clothing so affected by the climate.
5. An elite team of people who have very important jobs as surgeons/nuclear physicists/police men go about their normal day, which are so ironic and hilarious the rest of us wonder why we never became surgeons/nuclear physicists/police men because the job is so obviously simple, they have the entire day to play hilarious pranks on each other.
6. A handful of super successful executives live at the office, which is apparently located in a magical land where the secretary sleeps with you and no one seems to notice that you keep a bottle of bourbon in your desk.
7. A group of quirky friends with a variety of odd low paying jobs somehow manage to live in a very nice loft in a major city despite being paid next to nothing, and muddle through and subsequently destroy relationships most of us would love to have, finally settling on one of their equally quirky and original friends to settle down with, and then break up with, and then settle down with again.
8. Finally! A game show involving nothing but pure luck and basic intelligence, allowing any asshole with a mullet and enough knowledge to finish the sentence "Duck Duck _____" to make more money in a half an hour than you will in your entire life, and then piss it all away on scratch off tickets and booze.
9. Police men from various parts of the world are filmed doing their jobs. Which, if this show tells us anything, involves more encounters with topless coeds than it does actual criminals. Keep up the good work, guys. I'm sure the cops who get shot at on a regular basis appreciate your sacrifices.
10. A man/car/employee/criminal is busted cheating/slamming/stealing/robbing on his girlfriend/into another car/from the store/a bank on hidden camera. The ensuing cluster fuck is caught on film! If it's a really high class show, a psychic will be involved.
And they say being a TV executive is hard, I've got this shit on lockdown.