I think I may be sick. Seriously. I was checking my email (link to the left, for those of you that are inept), and one of my loyal readers provided me with a link to 101 Reasons To Have Kids.Although I'd love to debate all 101 of them here, I don't have the time, or the stomach, to do so. Thus, you are getting 10, as randomly picked by my dear friend Kim, who is the only person who would be tolerant enough to pick ten random numbers between 1-101 without telling me to fuck off.
Now we have, in no particular order, The TweekerChicks take on 10 of 101 reasons to have kids.
#56 I just love being a mother. I love being pregnant. I love giving birth and I love breastfeeding.
Already, so much wrong with that statement. Why someone would enjoy being fat and crabby all the time is beyond me. Anyone who tells me that pregnant women aren't crabby are lying because they fear for their lives. Anyway, who likes breastfeeding? If you have to have a kid just to get someone to suck on your tit, you've got some issues.
#35 Because babies are the most irresistible things on earth.
I may need to double check my references, but I'm pretty sure the most irresistible thing on earth is heroin. If it's not, I'll be willing to bet it's more fun.
#8 I love to behold the handiwork of the Lord as a new little miracle comes forth.
Aww. It's confused. The only thing that's a miracle is the fact that no one has killed you.
#86 I would hate to stand before God on Judgment Day and have to answer why I rejected the children He had ordained for our family. Nice. Using that same logic, it's just as likely that you have to stand before God on Judgment Day and have to answer why you have 194819582 children when it was God's (and everyone else's) will that you had none.
#21 Children brighten up the home.
So do good lighting fixtures. You only have to pay for those once, and the rest of us don't have to hear them.
#64 Children are the most precious gift of marriage.
Contrary to popular belief, children are not the most precious gift of marriage. The most precious gift of marriage is the knowledge that you can refuse to shave your legs, gain 400 lbs, wear nothing but sweatpants, and still have the right to be pissed off when they fuck someone else.
#18 Another baby in the family makes my other children so happy.
I'm sure it does. It gives you less time to hover over them and gush about them while your tits gush breastmilk all over your kitchen and your literature about breastfeeding during the teenage years.
#55 I have a passionate love for babies.
There are people like you all over the world. Case in point: NAMBLA.
#5 It's an honor for the Lord to use my womb again.
Had I said that, one of you woulda called me a slut. If you have nothing better to do than be someone's cumrag, that's fine, but a lot of people have bigger goals in life than to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon. If you want to be a mindless baby factory, more power to you.
#72 I want to rear strong soldiers for the Lord.
You'd best pray they are strong, because if they come thumping their Bibles towards me or mine, they will get shot. Anyway, if this Lord is so wonderful, why can't he rear his own soldiers? Are you doubting his abilities? Heathen. Blasphemer. You're going to burn.